24th April

 Levelled off yesterday. Not better. Not worse. Ok. "Ok". IE far from bloody OK. But copeable. If I am not asked to do shit.

Following last weeks marathon six day work schedule - Hazel reckons it was 7 out of 7 days working - this week I have learned my lesson ( ah ha ha ha ha ha - no ) and didn't work yesterday on my proper clear day of rest.

I have it in my head to go visit my brother again soon, twofold, one, spend more time with them all, and two, see if it helps my recuperation and gives me another break after this shitty week.

And because I dont want to put anyone out, I'd drive down there for the 1hour 45 minute ish drive.

Mm. That's far for me at the moment. Not even sure if doable.

Hazel suggested a shorter journey first - to the coast with the puppers. 40 minutes.

To be honest I was borderline yesterday. Alright. But only just about. I reallllllyyy was disinclined to push or do anything except rest. I went for a nap at 1pm ish... and got up at 5pm. Uh huh. And we went to the coast, even though, I was.. ehhh mehhhh. Maybe it's just me being sluggish from the sleep I thought. A trip out might do me good. Don't get me wrong. I also considered a trip out right then could make me much worse.

Not learning lessons I went for it anyway.

Do you see a pattern here ?

The drive there I could feel my legs were weak and occasionally trembling.

Sigh.

Ignore it. Soldier on.

After we got there I said I didn't think I was going to do much walking. That as it turns out was not super feasible. A breath stealing climb up sandy dunes - which I hate on the best of days, I detest walking uphill in sand. I love the dunes. I hate walking uphill in sand. Two steps forward. One step back. Everything is a struggle bus.

My heart thumped in my chest as we crested the peak. Ok. So. Cardio stress event. Is my heart doing ok when pushed to actually properly drive.

Yes. Which has always been the weird thing about my "cardio" stuff. I get a lot of classic symptoms. But conspicuously one thing I tend not to get is any funny turns when my cardio system is under stress - where your heart rate gets up to proper fast speeds and pushes your limit. I pushed myself several times to this stress point during my bad periods and never keeled over.

Did I feel good ?

No I did not.

I went to sit on the beach defences whilst Hazel ran the dogs around.

I felt ill as shit. And the cold wind knifed through me. I felt miserable and my attention sucked into myself. I couldn't enjoy my surroundings - a first for the coast - I was focused on not wanting to lie down.

We must have spent 30 minutes on the beach. Every one of them for me was an endurance test. I was not enjoying it. But I put up with it and focused on some point inside of me, just to let Hazel and the dogs enjoy the beach.

I slowly grew more stressed. I needed to go. I could feel myself ebbing away. But I kept my mouth shut. Wait.

Shall we go said Hazel.

Oh god yes.

One last challenge, the climb back over the dunes.

Unpleasant.

Back at the car I rubbed Athena down a bit bent over. A massive wall of dizziness and the world spinning. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck that shit.

Eventually, blessedly I got back in the car. Switched the heat on for me, kept it off Hazel. The warmth helped. Quite a bit. I felt a bit better on the drive home. Not super. But better. I passed comment to Hazel that it felt like the cold made me worse. I've been feeling the cold an awful lot lately. Hazel reckoned it was due to anxiety earlier in the week, she said she always felt horribly cold when anxious in the past. 

So we got home, and I resolved to go to bed early. 9.30 pm at that point.

Ended up talking to a friend for a while giving advice about buying a PC, didnt get to bed until 1am. Meh. Had trouble sleeping. Restless.

Today I feel... kinda ok. The tingles are... quieter today. Which is nice. No anxiety spikes. Uh huh. I have absolutely no doubt the tingles will flare up at some point today.

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