29th April

 Improvement over the last few days. Tingles have subsided ( but not gone ), feelings of unwellness have lessened. Weak legs persist. It's something that on some days runs a close line however and threatens at any moment to get worse again. Perhaps I am getting better at tuning in to the ebbs and flows a bit and slowing down when they aggravate. Perhaps it's just coincidental. I have definitely been more careful not to overdo it. I've also noticed I'm starting to sleep longer. I've also noticed a subtle pattern to eating and some of the symptoms. My gastro problems that I had - I thought - were gone. But I am pretty sure they have not gone. They are just much more subtle now, but still there. Sometimes something I eat will set off my internal fizzing. Interesting. Another slow healer perhaps. But this definitely falls into *mostly* a category of very copeable with. I am mulling over whether some of the worse days were actually caused by some iffy eating days. Don't have enough data. A tentative possible theory. Possibly bullshit.

Went for a dog walk yesterday, had Ares under my supervision. Ares in his very senior age has turned into a pretty much super low energy dog who is probably the easiest dog to walk you're ever gonna get. I was a little dubious at the walk outset. I could feel I wasn't great. I needed to conserve a bit of energy. But I went for a walk anyway. And it was alright. Didn't flag. Didn't flag too badly when I got home. I didn't enjoy it. It's still something of a teeth gritting excercise. But it was copeable. Whichhhhhhh is then definitely the best walk I've had since. . . . . . jeez. . . . November 2020. So that's something.

Blood test yesterday with a lovely nurse. She must have been 60. Telling me about how she cycles to work every day ( I could only mentally compare that I roll out of bed and manage to get to the sofa every day by comparison, jeez ). And we talked amiably about the weather. A heat wave in 2 weeks she reckoned. I was good naturedly dubious. She was very chatty. Sometimes I think I have one of those faces that people who are inclined to chat, just start chatting to me. Hilariously I used to get it with drunks on the train. They'd home in on me.. out of all the people in the carriage, and just start chatting to me. Nothing ominous. Just good natured drunk chit chat. In one case, a commuter train. Pretty much packed to the gills. 50+ people on the carriage. Who does he talk to ? Me. Of course. Used to have the same effect on kids. First time I met my.... great nephew. He proceeded to talk to me for an hour+ straight about what video games he played. What did I play. Whole family there. Who's he talking to for hours on end. Me. I'd guess he was like 5 at the time.

Hazel was always slightly... peeved ? ... that when she would come out to a shop with me, the staff would invariably be friendly and chatty to me. I said people in Norwich were very friendly. It's you she said. They're not friendly to me. It's still something up for debate. I say Norwich is friendly. Hazel thinks it's me. Maybe it's a bit of both. The true irony here is that I'm naturally not the life and soul chatter. I'd rather stay in the shadows thanks. But my social chameleon skills are pretty highly refined... whether it's my true nature or not. This is probably my biggest "secret". The friendly chatter, organiser of social groups, life and soul of the party... is really not. I'm more like the quiet goth in the corner that would rather be at home. Do I want the throne ? Oh hell no. Can I be the power behind the throne ? Yes. That's my comfort zone. Being clever... in the shadows.

  But something I have learned is, it's not necessarily who you are to yourself that others see, or inspires others. It's what they see of you. You can be a leader, a pillar of support, a strong character to others, ( or the reverse of all those things ) and yet, to yourself, not be that at all. It is very interesting how the subjective experiences collide, and more than that, it's not that one is "false" and one is "true". Because to other people it's absolutely true. It's not fake either. Perhaps it just comes down to mindset in the end. I highly suspect this is a lot of what goes on in say child parent relationships. Your dad.. is always your dad. Excluding difficult or dysfunctional relationships. You have a unique perspective of your parents that no one else does. 

I've spent a lot of time mulling over that point with regards to leadership. Genuine leadership. Not just someone that stands on a chair and appoints *themselves* leader. ( I've seen that plenty of times. Often with quite nice people. That just don't cut it. In one case, one dude continually complained he needed "more authority". He needed to be able to punish people more severely, because he did not get any respect. People did not see him as a leader. The harder he pushed at this, the less people thought of him as a leader. He was a nice guy. Hard worker. I got on with him really well, and defended him to the hilt in some times of when he was in trouble with his own management. But despite being a good guy, what he was not apparently was a leader ). It doesn't matter what *you* think you are. A bad leader. A good leader. The bigliest leader who is the best at everything ( Trump )... It is what others see in you that counts. Sure there are things you can do that will promote or demote that subjective experience of you. But the interesting thing is, it's almost certainly not what you see or think or are capable of yourself that others will see. You get this time after time. Take the leaders of any political party. Most of them are so so leaders at best. But they have that thrust on them - or they take it with both hands greedily. And off you go. There is typically a good deal of head in sand I Are The Leader And Am Great, which pretty much never jives with what is *actually* perceived of them. Perhaps this is also the root truth of the whole, the best leaders are the ones that don't want it. There is a fascinating dichotomy between who you are to yourself, and who you can be for others. Neither is wrong or right, even though we may think we know ourselves better and our view of ourselves is the inherently correct one. But you must be aware of what you are to others. Personally I find that quite tricky to see clearly. Intellectually, I get it. In reality, very slippery to accurately assess. I understand. But I doubt I will ever fully grok. I think some of the worst collisions comes from those who *know* they are capable at some things, good with figures, or problems or somesuch, and yet, when thrust into a leadership role, those capabilities absolutely fail to shine, or backfire and come off smug or some other hiccup and you are left with this huge gap of expectation in the person that frustrates them, confounds them, and they look for scapegoats as to why they have failed. Fascinating. The long and short of it is, just because you're good at something solo, or in a team, does not mean you're good at that in a leadership role. I think old Jeremy Corbyn probably falls very very far down this particular hole, albeit in fairness to him he was loaded down with too much of *everyone elses* fanatical desperate hope and pushing him into places he was not comfortable. I very much suspect Jeremy is a dedicated back bencher, protestor kind of dude. A conscientious objector. And not a leader of men. Can he be inspiring to some ? Yes. Can he lead all ? Absolutely hell no. He's at best the moral advisor. Not the inspirer of derring do. So as a leader. He's like a wet Sunday in Hull - excepting to those that love wet Sundays in Hull. As a moral compass, he's probably almost as straight as it gets ( he does suffer a bit from the sulky bottom lip pouty pants imho, which isn't super great ). But meh. If I had a pound for every time a political party and their leader were outrageously blind to their own very obvious failings.. I'd be rich.

And back we come full circle to suicide. To yourself, your life may be intolerable, end it, you don't really super matter to others. To everyone else, this may be a horror, a sudden inspiration, or loved one, father, mother, brother, sister or whatever, suddenly gone ( or more negatively the reverse, you think you're a super star but no one really gives a shit when you die ). But in the more typical positive aspect, people will miss you, which can leave quite a scar. There are some nasty statistics about what suicide does to *others*. In short, it's damaging. Truly understanding both sides of this is I think tricky. And maybe impossible because it is so subjective. That being said, you can't live your entire life for others. Well. You can. Shouldn't is perhaps a better word. But it is not black and white.

Anyway. Waffling on my favourite things of human condition and shrinkology again. Time for some work.