30th April

 Staying with my brother for a few days Dahn Sahf ( down south ). For a break. A mental reset. A change of pace. To spend time with my family.

Can't say I was entirely confident about the journey. I had some very generous offers to pick me up and ferry me there. Which is amazing. But I didn't want to put anyone out. At the same time I considered it a ... dubious... decision to drive there myself. But. Fuck it. Of course. As ever. When do I ever listen to counsel about taking it easy.

Hazel said I was stupid.

I can't exactly disagree.

You say yes when someone offers she said.

Mmm. No. I feel bad.

Anyway.

I made it without incident. The last ten minutes of the 1 hour 50 journey felt ten minutes too long if I'm being honest. I was counting the minutes pretty hardcore at that point. My tingles were really acting up. And I needed a rest. But it wasn't a sudden shift to feeling like crap. So. Good ? Well. Not good. Better. Considerably better.

I also had a bit of a split personality moment towards the end. I pondered where the hell I was, what was I doing, how had I got here. I knew. But. Also. What ? I think this is just a reflection of my life at the moment. I have no clue what I am doing or where I am going. Everything is about taking one day at a time and extracting any positivity I can where I can.

I've gotta say I felt a fraction worse today than I did yesterday. Not super bad. But. Definitely a bit more symptomatic. I didn't feel entirely well just before I set off on my journey. Hazel asked how I was. Eh. Eh. Yeah. Eh. Mmm. Uh huh. You should have had a nap she says. Mm. Yeah. True. A vague unwellness skulked around me. But not enough that I couldn't of course just bloody mindedly ignore it. Suck it up buttercup.

Sigh.

I'm such a dick to myself, honestly.

But still, despite today being a bit worse, I'm feeling positive. That I'm getting slowly better. It's getting... easier ? I think my stamina is getting better.

Famous Last Words.

Today was the last day of work for my brother. He retired today. 61 years old. Good job. I gently prodded him in the evening as to where he was mentally. What was next. Big change in life. Anything you do for that length of time has to leave pavlovian scars. Suddenly stopping 40+ years of ingrained behaviour is.... not to be sniffed at. I remain unconvinced that the short sudden retirement blitz of getting to where you always dreamed of is as unyieldingly positive as it is made out to be. There are many icebergs in those waters, not the least of which a sudden sinking of your identity, if your identity has been closely tied to who you are professionally for many years. Indeed, it's often one of the first questions people ask someone else. So. What do you do. Who, in effect, are you ?

But my brother seems in a pretty good place for it. We shall see I guess. I have a suspicion that after some downtime, maybe a year, he will end up doing something entrepeneurial and come out of full on retirement into something... slower paced, but actively working to some degree. Something somewhat creative. He has too much creative energy and an eye for improvement to sit on his hands for long I think. I also think it was probably one of the deepest conversations I've had with my brother. He typically is a sun dweller, on the surface, don't dig too deep. But, we got into some depths today, life, achievements, how long left, the patches of light, the potential patches of shadows. Of course it's me. Always stalking along the peripheries looking for the stormclouds on the horizon and the nature of the human condition to fall into holes. I just don't want to see people in pain. I know how much that sucks.

Tomorrow there are some tentative plans to go see my mom in the care home she's at. We have to talk to her through glass. In a bubble. It will be the first time I've spoken to her since.. hmm.. January ? December ? Not sure. Apparently she's doing very well. Cheating the reaper once again. Her MS I think comes in waves, and in those troughs... it's a very close run thing. She has also accepted she can never leave the care home because of her intensive care needs. Her body, at this point, has pretty much given up. Or rather, the nerves / brain controlling it no longer... do. But she seems finally happy with her lot at the care home, even enjoying herself. I think she's lost her fear of being in such a place. Her mental fortitude staggers me to be honest. I am nothing like as strong as that. Fair or not - she does seem to thrive in a caring environment away from my dad. Ho hum. This is not exactly a revelation to me. But I am not looking for axes to grind here. The... very dark shit that happened before.. eh... sigh... very wrong. But at this point. I dont know. Seems like a closed chapter. Not right. Not good. But we are where we are.

Life is messy.