7th April
Back to work yesterday. Was left largely alone in peace. Crunched my way through a whole bunch of code refactoring over to a new standard, and pushed on development of a proper repeatable testing system et al. Unfortunately this meant my actual billable progress was slow. It was also quite the pace of work and by midday I was tired as hell. Apparently mixing it up with some hardcore brain shenanigans is also tiring for me. I slogged through the rest of the day with a few breaks, finished up by 5.30pm ish. Took another small break, then, glutton for punishment started noodling around with yet more tech, and looking into other platform options.
Tired. Tired. Tired.
Yesterday I got a message back from the GP. Got an appointment. 22nd April. I asked for an appointment on the 31st March.
I'll let you decide whether thats a good or bad response time.
Hazel was angry. Send them a message she said. That's not good enough. I looked doubtfully at her. My very strong inclination is to just let things be. She took over and sent a message on my behalf, which I am grateful for. I don't have it in me to do that. Don't struggle. Just sink. So much easier. Intellectually I can understand that what Hazel is saying and doing is right. But. I don't know. I think I have a massive fear of pissing people off. Of being seen as demanding. Yikes.
Maybe it was that. Maybe it wasn't. My chest stared aching. Pains. My mood slumped. I got sad. And quiet. That familiar pall of grey descended upon the world. Oh no.
Are you ok says Hazel ?
Yeah.
Not really then ?
No. Not really.
Maybe you should take a nap ?
Maybe.
Sigh. I questioned out loud why I had been brought into this world. Good question said Hazel. Internally I followed it up with the response that if I had been given a choice at the start, I would have opted for oblivion, not birth. The sum of life to me is negative. Very. Negative. That probably says a lot about me. If I look, I find I am dismayed which much in the world. Peoples behaviour. The all devouring capitalism that pits everyone into some competitive bullshit show. The misery. The loss. Deaths. And the cherry on the cake. My own wrestles with mental health, and hilariously of late, my struggles with physical health. Meh. There is no point in my life where I kick back and think, oh that was a great time. It's all a struggle. Some long points a hideously bad struggle. I do what I can to shield others from shit. Because I know how shit it is, and how shit it is to be in those places, events, whatever. But eh. I am, final conclusion, so very tired of life. I am not in any way a pro life, oh isn't it wonderful, think of all the things you can do, type of person.
The new thought concluded from the last few months is a realisation of how hard it is to check out of life. The powers that be don't want you checking out. Life is precious. It gives me a problem to worry about, that when I really need to, I can't check out easily. Of course, everyone will be horrified about speaking about suicide. No no no. Wrong. Wrong. Except. It really isn't when shit is bad. Oh but it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Eh. Not true. The problem is also permanent. My mind background ticks over about how to obtain a gun. It is fixated on this being the easiest quickest way. And that I should do so when I am feeling better and have my faculties somewhat in action. Not leave it until I can't do that. To say that this is dark, self destructive and arguably a very bad thought space is probably an understatement. But it is part of where a small part of my brain is at the moment, quietly chewing through the problem as I do. A lot of background tasks on low priority slowly chewing their way through problems until they complete. And the other worry is that I know I am very good at chewing through problems. What I set my mind to, I often succeed. This isn't a clear shot inevitability though. There is some internal warfare about whether thats a good place to be. Mmm. The two wolves inside you metaphor. It occurs to me that there is some aspect of feeding the dark wolf, and it is equated with truth and brutal facing up to realities and nihilism and objectivity. There is a stream of philosophical conclusions you can take from that. I might write it all down at some point, the long story short is that embracing total objectivity is feeding your dark wolf. Paradoxical to our ideas of objectivity ( scientific method, facts over belief ) = good, subjectivity ( anecdotal, superstition, belief over fact )= suspicious.
Misery is starting to creep into my situation. My life is still down the tubes. I cannot do shit. I wipe out. I mull over whether this is the new normal. Broken. At points I feel like I have pushed everyone away - no one wants to be around a negative soul sucking hole of misery and complaint. Other times I feel more positive and engage and potter around. I don't know. Overall an uneasy feeling sits with me that I am fucked. Despite being repeatedly told various aspects of my cardio are tickety boo, I cannot shake that something is fucked up there. The symptoms all fit. I have to reassure myself that just about all the tests have been done - not all, but most - and that it's probably fine and just a coincidence it manifests like cardio. But. Cannot shake it. Time will tell I guess.
Anyway. See ? Clearly my mood has shifted into a darker space.
I read an interesting article yesterday on GPs in the UK, straight from the horses mouth - a GP. The number of times the word "profit" was used was disgusting imho. It also confirms a number of conclusions I had got to myself about how GPs now run in the UK, even to the extent that he uses the word franchise when talking about them. Yes indeed. He complains they aren't paid enough, limited money, infinite demand. Complains that £100k a year isn't as much as it sounds, they have to pay out 27.5% of that to a pension. Outrage. Surely though, that pension is money for your retirement, not exactly wasted. Just not right now ferrari money. Hmm. Anyway. You can read the blog itself and make your own conclusions. Mine are that the GP system currently place in the UK is a travesty. It is first and foremost profit motivated - and very bad things start to happen when you put profits above healthcare - it exists in a largely monopolised system, so even if you subscribe to such bullshit the "market economy" cannot really rein it in as there is bugger all local competition, and finally its a weaselly bullshit way to pretend its the NHS when in fact it's just a goddamn franchise system. Private businesses given the rights to use the NHS logo.
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