And Up

 Slightly better today.

The rollercoaster of bullshit is wearying in itself. Meta levels on meta levels. That being said, anxiety roused me from sleep, kept me increasing company for an hour and a half, before the doc rang promptly at 9am.

So today I spoke to the GP, finally. She was very sympathetic. Mark that as two days in a row with sympathetic responses from the NHS. Which I am very grateful for.

She echoed the statements of the neuro guy yesterday - without realising it until I said as much - that we were probably getting into areas that to be frank, they didn't know about and at best it would come down to vague "probably viral, probably post viral syndrome, ME, CFH" kinda things. We're off into the woods of medical unknowns.

Marvellous. But I appreciate the honesty and am fully accepting of the limitations of our current knowledge. That I don't have a problem with, albeit it still leaves me in the shit.

So next week a blood test has been arranged to try and pick up signs of post viral nonsense, including covid - today was the first time a GP ( other than harley street ) pondered out loud if I had "picked up covid last February" - and to try and see if they can spot signs of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / ME. Although I believe ME is notoriously slippery to test for. However I already know that I dont have covid antibodies - and that if I *did* pick it up in Feb of last year, its probably too old to reliably detect, *and in any case* it doesn't have to be the covid virus to cause havoc - it can pretty much be *any* virus.

A week after that she's arranged to talk to her again about the results, and possibly getting referred to a long covid clinic - positive result or not given the length of time - and or a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome clinic.

She also advised me *not* to get the covid vaccine. Yet. Wait a bit. Until they've done some testing.

I've also got them to up my mental med dose. Not enough. So we're stepping up to 75% of max dose. In the before times I was on 100% of max. She said we'd use the 75% as a stepping stone up to 100%. Ok. Seems overly cautious, but given the mad spikes of anxiety and whatnot, not a terrible idea.

Today overall I've been better, but not great. The tingles. Always the goddamn tingles. An internal fizzing. With pains. And aches. As I said to the doc today, I know I keep getting clear results from heart tests, it feels an *awful* lot like cardio issues at times. And or MS of course. Which I tick so many boxes for it's not even funny ( including the oh, the first signs are often tingles in your face... like I have you mean ).

Ho hum. One. Day. At. A. Time. Try. To. Enjoy. What. You. Can.

Life is a gruelling journey for me. And I am tired of struggling with it. I enjoy my moments with friends, and listening to their stories and own journies. But in the end, for me, the price of suffering is way too high the rest of the time.

I reflected in the shower yesterday - feeling a bit better at that moment - that still, right then, right there, if someone offered me a hand, with a pill, that would kill me instantly. I'd take it. No doubts. No hesitations. Yes. Done. Dead.

Not great, I suppose.

There is perhaps a thread there, psychologically, of never really having been looked after, cared for, loved, yada blah. Leaving me with feelings of not enjoying things, of never having a rest, of never really being able to recover in a safe place. Always fighting, always shielding, always helping others in the knowledge that life is hard. Complex. Deep rooted. Always the protector. Almost never the protected. But not what they term in psychology circles "a rescuer". Perhaps. Who knows. It has left scars, starting, of course, at childhood. Ho hum.