Dismay

 Working yesterday. Ploughing through tedious messy code and pulling it into some semblance of order. Physically took it easy yesterday. And was doing kinda ok. Tired. Of course. When am I not at the moment. But. Tingles were very low level.

Then I got up and opened a box. And felt instantly worse. Opening. A. Box. I felt ill. Tingles up and down my back. Tingles in my face. After 5 minutes of going through a box.

Dismay turned into horror. I can't even open boxes now ?

My mood lowered.

I am thoroughly sick of being sick. There is some twisted relief in that at least now I am not hardcore suffering, it's not nice, but that's mostly what it is, not nice, not abject misery, not nerves on fire, not lying there feeling pains in my chest and ping all over my torso, and that if there is something serious underlying and I cark it, well, at least the journey there is not super terrible. I Am ok with just dropping dead. Still.

As ever, end of week my energy lags. Work clearly sucks the energy out of me over a week. Even a short week like this. It doesn't help with my recovery. But it does keep the money coming in, the brain ticking over, and the business not left in dire straits.

Some days I think I am probably wasting my time with what could be limited days.

Some days I think I just need some months to properly recover. Harley Street said 3 to 6 months. Its not even been a month since he gave that prognosis. So it's highly likely I am just jumping the gun, slightly out of my mind with frustration and not being able to do a lot.

No word back from the GP. Silence descends. I'd love to know what I should be doing healthwise. Or whether its ok to get a covid shot in my state. And give them the Harley St results and talk about follow up tests. But, left on my own once again making guesses.

Afterthought city.

I have also realised with the impending retirement of my brother I have probably left it too late to move closer and get more involved. Then again, when reflecting on it, what with 2020 being the year of the plague and nothing happening in that time, and 2019 I was ill on and off and on and off, I would probably have needed to move my ass in 2018. Which I certainly wasn't ready for. It's just one of those things I guess. Timing is shocking. Covid has interruped and disrupted everything.

Been very - very - slowly tinkering with a system for the charity. Sorting out the groundwork of GDPR. I have realised that with work being pretty busy and me being tired, my capacity for side channel stuff is... very low. But. It's mostly stuff I have done a hundred times before. Day off tomorrow. I'll probably give it a good few hours of effort tomorrow and see where I get. I am so far quite liking MariaDB and really liking its installation capabilities. Wayyyyyy better than SQL Server. Much more.. low profile. Perfect for cash strapped charities.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more