14th June

 Mood has inched further down everyday over the last few weeks.

Went out on Saturday to play some games which was a welcome respite. But still. Doesnt seem to make much of a dent.

I noodle around with things and do my best to go on as normal. But harder each day to not just collapse.

I think more than ever I am aware of the mind bending effects and reality warping my mental health has. Really aware of the weight dragging me down.

Just riding it out. Teeth clenched. As you do. Me and half the rest of the world no doubt.

I struggle a lot with the whole... I forget its proper name. But feeling out of sync with the world. I look at other people doing their gardens, pottering around, and it's like watching an alien species to me. I have lost the ability to relate to it. Like listening to some really abstract exotic math. I envy those people that are just pottering around. I've lost that bit of my humanity. Burned. I am aware this is a really bad place that I am pushed into. It is the borderlands of entirely losing grasp on reality.

I have no answers.

Waiting for the GP appointment to slowly come due. Oh so slowly. More meds please. Fuck me up fam.

I dozed and daydreamed yesterday of managing to finally end it all. Boom. Headshot. It went into a dream at some point. I had finally got my hands on a gun. It's a recurring fantasy. Just end it. Suicidal ideation is what they call it. I can read you the textbook definition of it off the top of my head. Always with the information.

Golf clap. So clever.

Had some pretty awful dreams last night. A hideous experience at school. It has been decades since I was at school. I still have anxiety laden nightmares about it. Talk about a scarring experience. I loved the social side of school life. Hated the education side. The authority. The constraints. The threat of violence from authority. Parents. Etc. Apparently it left a life long lasting memory. Wonderful. I think the ironic shame is I'm quite creative and inventive and like learning. What does it say that the school system far from inspiring me scarred instead. Nothing good.

Anyway. The dream.

Oh god. Dont explain your dream.

Yeah.

At school. Had been ill. For months. Hopelessly lost in the coursework. Didn't understand any of it. Copied some from a friend. Still couldn't do it. Fish out of water. Didn't know what classroom to turn up in. Wandering the halls lost. Aware I was different from everyone else. In trouble. Lost. Out of sync.

Doesn't take much to join the dots on that translation into the real world.

I read a "funny" nihilism feed the other day. I think all but one of the points I felt in my bones. Clearly I'm a bit of a hardcore nihilist deep down. Not that that's a great revelation. More of a very firm confirmation.

Jesus. Where is the light. All I see is darkness.

I feel like I want to paint. But I can't. It feels like an enormous task. An impossible thing. Far from the mood. I will do it... when I feel better. Except I don't. Can't even sit down and lift a paintbrush to a model. Uh huh.

I know people look at me odd when I say things like yeah I have 3d printers, no I've never used them. You should. Why not. Etc. Therein is the gulf of context. Understanding. Sorting out a 3d printer to print feels like an impossible task. Too much. Very hard. In ... another persons reality, it is not. In mine. It's like a glaring ogre staring quietly at me with malevolence. Hunched in the corner of the room. Waiting. Just. Don't. Look at it.

Uh huh.

Crazy. Did I mention I'm crazy ?

Good.

Rationally its a combination of hardcore depression and some pretty damning anxiety at the least of it. Plus a good dose of trauma and yada. I am beginning to realise just how traumatised I am by a whole bunch of the suffering that I've gone through / go through.

Ho well.

Heh. Happy blog.