18th June

 And then up. A small amount.

Mood has slowly improved last few days. Improved. From abysmal. To barely copeable. Work was a real challenge this week. Just. Wasn't there. Trying. Unenthused. Dealing with the usual laundry list of incoming cockups of people unable to be consistent or follow specs or any one of a hundred fuckups that people just assume I'll tidy up after them. Meh. It's an ever area of extreme frustration for me that I have to be flawless or as close as damn it, and fix everyone elses mistakes theyre either too stupid or too lazy to fix. Johnny will do it. Unfair at best. Complacent piss taking liberty at worst. It doesn't help with my recovery.

I am struggling to keep on top of my mentals. Pains in chest et al have subsided, which makes the mentals a bit easier. I am getting the ghost of a ghost of face tingles / tightness. It's gone at this point. Kind of. But some days I can still feel it. A ghost of an electric buzz and the left side of my face that feels like its been in the sun too long. "Tight".

I actually went for a few walks, and did some chores. And didn't wipe myself entirely out. So. Tentatively better ? I think a lot of the physical symptoms have slowly subsided to not zero, but close enough. Some of them are persistent though.

The mentals are another matter, and have heaved into view as the biggest problem. This is not following the typical patterns of my previous mental problems and seems to be sticking near the bottom, with anxiety spikes, but, not leaving me there permanently, I can come back up, badly, slowly, but not gone with the fairies for multi months.

Huh.

In short whatever happened in Dec / start of the year seems to have shaken everything up. Nothing is what it was.

But eh. Feeling a bit more positive again. But it's a very day to day thing. And my outlook seems to wander from, eh I'm ok getting better, just give it more time, to you're fucked, they haven't found it yet, time will make it blow out. But even then. I have been consoling myself with the fact that if I am fucked, so what. Suffering is bad. The end of things is not.

Exhaustion is still a problem. I get tired real quick. My capacity to do stuff has increased somewhat I think, but it's a risky game of Guess Where The Line Is. And my severe dizziness has got worse lately with an increase in tinnitus to boot. If I get straight up from sitting down I get hit by a very bad bout of dizziness. I have learned I need to sit up. Wait for 10 seconds. Then continue. Again this is only shit that's started happening since December. Weird stuff. Slowly adapting to my new normal.