2nd June

 One step forward. Three steps back.

Hazel went home this week. She's best man at her friends wedding this week with lots of stuff to do, which is nice. She was worried about leaving me with the mutts - you can't cope. I reassured her I could. It was fine. She seemed split between wanting to go home and not wanting to go home on a deeper level than just leaving the dogs. I don't know. I talked to her about it somewhat, but she didn't open up.

My mood started going downhill before she left. Had some tiring bad days over the weekend. Ended up sleeping a lot on Sunday. I had a look at someones laptop over the weekend when I wasn't feeling so hot. Eh. Yeah. I'm probably an idiot. But I help where I can.

As of this week mood is at times circling the drain, anxiety has come back, not as bad as it was, but still pretty bad at times. Meh. The goddamn scars and trauma of the start of this year are pretty damn deep it turns out. Physical symptoms seem overall still somewhat improving though. It's a rarer day now I have tingles in my face. And if I do they are less than they were before. I am getting regular aches that shift around right where my heart is. Worse if I'm stressed. But can pop up at any time. Not muscular. Something else. Tingles sometimes accompany them. And its in that same place. All the way through, front to back. And can end up with tingles in my back. Or fizzing internally. And an ache. I'm keeping my mouth shut. No one wants to hear it.

Right arm has been getting pins and needles more again this last week.

Once again the physical things trigger a bit of a mental reaction. On a bit of a see saw.

Ho hum.

This is my week off. I am not doing much with it at all. Apart from dealing with mood, anxiety and sleeping. Less of a vacation. More of a, well I don't have to worry about work this week, one less thing to deal with.

There have been points in the last few days where I have been loony bin material again. I try not to think of it as a trajectory. And more just blips. A trajectory has a very dark end. Blips are.. better.

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