30th June

 Struggled all week to not be at the bottom of a misery pit. Tinnitus has been screeching - louder than the tv - random pains, dizziness and a mood that is just above suicidal, zombie like.

Marvellous.

But just been enduring it. One day at a time. Try to keep some kind of schedule. On the plus side the fatigue has gone down a notch. I can potter about and not wipe out. But I'm still not pushing it. And I can feel it if I get tired, lurking in the background, waiting to chop me down.

Got out to play a game yesterday which helped my mood quite a bit.

Today finally spoke to the doc again. Bumping up the anti depression meds and trying that for six weeks before reassessing ( either to continue or try something else - although at this point I've been through almost every single drug ). Also going to have a physical exam for the tinnitus and dizziness and possibly get an ENT referral. Which is highly overdue, but I guess we have been working down the priority list of Shit Thats Wrong With You. Overall the doc guessed at this point that a lot of my stuff was down to "nerves behaving badly", or as the neurologists like to say she said, more of a software problem than a hardware problem. Uh huh. She noted that the MRI would have picked up tumours on nerves etc, but I related what the Harley St doc had said, probably damage, and unless extreme, something an MRI *would not pick up*. He recommended back in March that an ENT specialist should take a look. Maybe thats gonna happen now. Maybe. Although like many NHS things like this perhaps I will fail some "obvious threshold for referral". Which based on the stories I've heard from all sorts of people with all sorts of issues, is not entirely uncommon.

Talked to the doc about Ketamine and mushrooms - the research indicating very positive results for depression and the signs that it probably meant existing anti depression meds didnt work the way the science guessed they worked ( everything in this field tends to be a guess ). I didn't push too hard but floated the research and the idea of it. She noted the side effects of Ketamine, we didn't get much further than that. Personally I think it's promising there is a new avenue of research going on which some in the field reckon could lead to a new generation of meds.

I have started reflecting lately just how much time has passed with this ongoing bullshit. It's crazy. I've also come to the very firm conclusion I am not so worried about dying. But lingering. Meh. No bueno.

As the old meme goes. If your brain cant make enough serotonin, store bought is fine.