9th June

 Awful last week. There were points where my mind was just skittering away from me.

Beyond depression. Beyond anxiety. Into losing your mind. I guess it makes sense really. Suffer for long enough, put up with it long enough, and you'll start to just lose it entirely. Eh well. It reminds me of people that tortured in the short term will suffer and endure pain. Tortured in the medium term will also pick up trauma, PTSD, whatever you want to call it. Tortured in the long term.. their mind eventually breaks. Think I am toying with the long term. Yikes.

End of last week I visited my brother. This is something I had been intending to do. But. For one reason or another cancelled / was holding off. I was waiting til I felt better. Except. I wasn't feeling better.

Andy pushed me to just go anyway.

So I made sure my brother was ok with it. And went.

It was a good weekend. Hard in places. But a change of scene. Getting looked after a bit. Talking about the future. Shifted me a bit. Into a better place. Has to be said my family are doing a pretty good job of making me feel like I'm worth it. It came up. I didn't think I was worth saving.

Anyway.

Went to see my dad whilst I was down there. Chatted to him for I dunno, an hour ? Hard. Super hard. My mood went right to the bottom a few times. For my part I simply listened to him and agreed with things. Nodded. Sympathised. Supported him. Even though I was in a hell of misery. He talked about... eh... plans for suicide for him and mom. His back up plan of taking some painkillers he'd been told you wouldn't wake up from if you got them wrong. He lamented losing them. It hit me hard. I was in the same position. Wanting release. I understood that my dad was peeved at having had them taken away. That was my comfort he said. I understood. Far too well. Like a chip off the old block. Eesh.

Got to play some games with the family. I was exhausted. And not in a good state of mind. But I did it. It was good. My nephew is also struggling. For whatever strange reason, he sees me as whatever, an inspiration. Someone who would understand for where he is. I'm aware of it now. I am committed to trying to help him, even though I am a world class fuck up.

So it goes around. And I am 99% sure I need to move down there now. If I could click my fingers and go... I would be there.

Things are changing on the family front. So many things. Different places in life. Different times. Different relationships. For the better. My brother said that was probably what we had all missed in our lives, because of the ... complicated... relationship we have with our parents. If you look back on it, you can perhaps see the bomb that went off, the damage done, a dysfunctional family, the damage... questionable parenting does. Its taken 50+ years to get to a place where it starts to resolve. A lifetime.

Feeling better this week. In control. A good deal more stable. Less ill. Still tired. Still black eyes that come and go. And odd pains. But eh. Roll with it. Better than it was.

One day at a time.

Marathon. Not a sprint.

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