June 24th

 My mood is all over the place. Sometimes it comes up. Sometimes it crashes down hard. Not much peace.

Today has been a spiral down into some really dark territory.

And I cannot resist the conclusion that it's just not worth it. Why the hell was I born. Who would wish this ? And can I please check out. But I can't. Easily. So. You just suffer. Fuck you. It's not just words. It's a bone deep wish. A horrible horrible depth of sorrow. And depersonalization. A lot. It feels like I am slightly out of sync with the world, with time. Nothing is real. Everything is slightly surreal. Everyone is behind a glass window. And that I no longer belong here. My time is done. Like a ghost but still present.

Discussions about moving house, my neighbour moving, Hazel possibly moving, taking Ares to the vets for a checkup... has killed me. I couldn't entirely say why. The vet said Ares seems to be ok "considering". His liver function is... meh... they want to take him off the painkillers he's on, but acknowledge it's a bit of a rock and a hard place. They seem to think that he also has some nerve damage now as well as all the rest of it. His back legs are notably.. not responding to prodding. There are some options on the table. Different meds. A monthly injection. For the moment he's still on painkillers. Theyve also floated the possibility of mild opiates.

 I drove home from the vets with the demons torturing me. An awful ache inside. The world turned surreal.

It kills me.

I know it's not good for me.

But I can't help think I am watching him not so slowly fade from me now.

I cried when I got home.

Bad day.

Bad day.

Another straw. It seems like Ares has lost his hearing. Stopped responding to sound or his name. Even for food.

Tinnitus has kicked up a notch in the last few days. Worst its been. Face tingles have crept back.

I don't want to be here anymore.

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