July 19th

 A struggle the last week. Each day worse than the last. Mostly mental. But mentals also triggered by the rising and falling of physical stuff. Barely functional towards the latter end of the week. Feeding myself and looking after the dogs is my peak performance. Everything else is a horror.

It has to be said Ares is a constant worry to me at the moment. He's ok. Pottering around - well, sleeping and checking if there is food to be had. Not in pain. But. It's hard to watch him slowly oh so slowly get worse. I am aware this is doing me zero favours mentally. Not that I begrudge it or would change it. Absolutely not.

Life grinds on, one day at a time.

State of mind was sketchy by the end of last week. Scratching at the back of my eyeballs. I can feel it now - your mind isn't quite.... right. Your thought patterns are... weird. Disassociation. Every random thought feels.. dark.. and feeds back into feelings of alien-ness, misery, isolation. It fuels anxiety. It fuels a need to push everyone away, run in the opposite direction. Find a corner. And die.

Odd, the way the mind works.

I am. Resigned. To it at the moment. It is what it is. Lie down. Stop struggling. Sink to the bottom and disappear.

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