13th August

 Bad day yesterday.

Ares had a funny turn. He seized up - like a fainting goat - and keeled over sideways. Before panicking a bit / fitting. I saw the early signs a split second before it happened. Comforted him to calm him down. He was scared.

He did it again in the early hours of the morning on the sofa, whilst Hazel was watching him. And then went into a coughing fit. I got up. And spent time with him. Overwhelmed by grief and tears, but comforting him.

He was rough.

Hazel helped. I am beyond glad she is here. But feel guilty she has to endure sadness too.

Ares time is near. And it destroys me. I don't want him to suffer. So I watch him. Will he come out of this trough. Today, I was not sure if it would be his last day. I am still not certain it isn't. I will have to make the decision. To let him rest for good.

I will lose my best friend. Someone who has spent all their life with me. I have been fortunate enough to work from home through all that period, and therefore spend everyday with him, and often every hour of every day. My shadow. From bathroom to bedroom. From putting the shopping away, to DIY, to helping with the recycling. My beautiful, positive, cuddle monster boy.

He will take a piece of me with him when he goes. My world will be colder and darker without him. And there will be an Ares shaped hole in my life where he once was.

I am not sure what happens then.

Not sure. Not sure. Not sure.

If I could go with him, I would.

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