15th August

 Yesterday. Was worse. Somehow. I am struggling to put time in order. 24 hours feel stretched into days. It's difficult for me to properly order the time in my head.

My dad stayed overnight. Despite everything that has happened in the past. It was good to see him. He is not really a people person per se. He can be the life and soul, or used to be. But. There .. is a lack of truly connecting. And he shies away from pain and suffering. So he did not talk to me about Ares. Pretty much at all. Maybe it was better that way.

We talked about his plans and stories. At 5am in the morning I walked him through the basics of trigonometry - he wanted to know the measurements of a ladder he was building. I gave him the basics on a piece of paper, as well as the completed calculation he wanted. More surreal experiences.

As is my dads eccentric ways, he left at 6.15am - to go to the Marsham festival. It's too early dad. No he said. I can see the countryside.

He left.

I took a shower.

And wailed endlessly. Half collapsed against the wall. Crying and wailing. At some point Hazel got up and came to comfort me.

The rest of the day was similar. Periods of numbness. Periods of intense emotion and crying. The house is too quiet without him. A morning that he did not see.

I tortured myself with noting the time. How long it had been since he was in the house. 12 hours. 14. Coming up to 24. A day. He was still here at this time yesterday.

I do not feel myself. A better part of me has left with Ares. I am lesser without him. Less capable. Less strong. Half my heart has gone with him. Life which was an indifferent struggle beforehand seems even worse. Pointless now. Everything seems like a mockery.

I am convinced I betrayed him at the end. I am convinced that given a choice between a tasty breakfast or sleep he would have chosen the tasty breakfast. Just one or two or three more. He did not want to die. He trusted me at the end, wagged his tail, booped his head against mine, and within a minute was gone, lying in Hazels arms.

I fear this will drive me fully insane. On top of everything else.

I am not built like other people. Neuro atypical shall we say.

I do not know the outcome of this set of inputs.

It will get better with time people will say.

Sure. Probably. Maybe.

Boy. You're gonna carry that weight a long time.

I'm carrying so much weight.

Life to me is not a series of positive fun things with some difficulties. It's endless struggling and suffering with brief periods of easing. Yet no one will put me to sleep, even though I can answer for myself and say - yes.

I queried with my family if they had sent my dad.

Very much not.

It was indeed a universal coincidence on a probability of monstrous unlikelihood. As Hazel said later. If someone had written a story like that. No one would believe it. You'd get moaned at for being a bad author.

And yet here it is. People look at me funny when I say I cannot believe it is just a coincidence. It's like winning the lottery twice. They are not sure what to say. Coincidence can be like that they say. Not at those odds, not for something that personal.

I understand that vast amounts of time and infinite space means by definition, a large number of improbable things happen. Still. This isn't about a rock falling on a moon somewhere on a countless number of moons.

I don't know.