8th August

 Life plods on. Symptoms wax and wane like the tide. Worse, better, worse, better. I reflected this morning that even at its best... everything is off half a degree. Disjointed, disharmonious. Even when I am mentally ok, or within touching distance of ok. My mental state definitely has an impact on the physical stuff. It's pretty clear at this point. But it's also clear shit is just not right. The only debate in my head at the moment is whether this is the new normal or whether its underlying rumbles of thunder for something terribly wrong that has yet to surface enough to be picked up by the crude diagnostics modern medcine has to offer. I nearly blacked out this week due to a vicious dizzy spell. Ho hum.

Time will tell how it develops. I am resigned to it.

Ares has had a bad week. His skin condition which has been struggling for months, but seems to have settled in the last few has erupted horrifically. A patch of skin as big as my hand has sloughed off, leaving a big exposed section of evil looking red and mini blisters. Remarkably, he doesn't seem terribly phased by it. But then he is on a fair punch of painkillers these days. Took him to the vets, they took one look at it, shaved it all off to expose the real extent of it, and put him on anti biotics, topical steroid cream and an antiseptic wash, with instructions to send them a picture after a week to see if it had improved.

The boy is on a laundry list of meds and potions now. 8 different meds and potions and routines. Twice a day.

I am slowly coming to terms with losing him. Very slowly. And painfully. And it will kill me when he goes. But I can see his best years are a long way behind him. I'm just being there for him with all this health struggles now. One of these dips will do for him I suspect. I am beginning to see a pattern in some ends. Same with my mom. Peaks and troughs. The peaks are ok, of course. But the troughs. You flip a coin. Make it or not. And eventually, one of them does for you.

I havent seen or spoken to my mom in some time. She had another funny turn last month. They couldn't revive her again. Ambulance on site. Going back into hospital. Something in her seemed to snap, and she came out of it. NO hospital. But. She struggled to put sentences together. In her own words, "something strange is going on here, I know what I want to say, but I can't put the words together". The MS is really eating into her neurons. She also sounds a bit like me. Descending into the abyss. Explaining what the scenery looks like for informational purposes.

Things are tough at the moment. No two ways about it. This year is going to be I think the worst of my life. Which is saying something given the close calls with suicide and extended periods of horror in my past.

Trying to stay... sigh... positive is the wrong word. But holding onto things I like to do. Or plans for "cool" stuff. It's like holding a candle in a gale. Friends make a big difference. But it's hard to maintain for me, I slip away into the depths, pushing shit away to sink into the black.

Right. Something positive. FFS. I am looking at redoing some art. Getting a card game printed. There are also itchings for me to make some 3d art. And the itch to pick game coding back up is gnawing at me. I've been taking a strictish break from doing "work" when I'm supposed to be not working. So the charity app has slammed into a brick wall of stagnation - I need the rest instead. It's on the cusp of first release, it literally has a few minor points to pick up, and it's ready for it's first user based iteration.