August 14th

 I cannot sleep properly.

I am in shock. I can feel it. A numb autopilot.

Sleep is oblivion. It has been my only refuge for some time. Tonight it is the only escape. I crave it. I reflect that it is a quiet parallel to just wanting everything to end. A socially acceptable face of oblivion.

I sleep for a bit. Then awake. And my mind goes around and around and around. Watching the spark go out of Ares eyes absolutely haunts me. It. Is. Awful. Of him lying there, unmoving. No small movements. No body language. Suddenly terribly terribly aware of how much that all meant to me. That equalled Ares.

I fleetingly remember him walking away from me at the Vets. A trusting good boy. Walking into his end.

It kills me.

People tell me I have not failed him.

But it feels like pure betrayal.

I have ended my best friend. Who trusted me.

Death is inevitable people say. The day would have come sooner or later.

I find myself bitterly regretting not having one more day. And another. Of not being able to listen to him breathe. Of a million tiny idiosyncracies unique to him.

The crueltly of the universe, of life. Something uniquely beautiful is gone forever.

Numb. Pain. Numb. Pain. Ah. This dance. Intense emotion - circuit breaker trips, zombie out. Rinse and repeat.

My Dad visited me today. Is staying overnight. On my sofa. Apparently a coincidence. Of all days. It just makes the day even more surreal. Pushes me further into some weird and terrible mental landscape of disassociation.

I can't believe it. Someone must have told him. And he has come. For the first time in.. I don't know. 7 years. A journey of a distance he hasn't done anywhere in.. the same amount of time.

It cannot be a coincidence. The timing fits. His arrival on cue for the length of time of journey from when I announced Ares had gone.

If it is coincidence of no human intervention however. Then I don't believe that either. Then some shadowy higher power has deigned this to happen. The probability of this happening on today of all days is... off the charts. It is - most probably - by human hand. Or some higher power has over reached and showed their hand to me. If it is the former, then tell me. Be straight with me. If it is the latter. And at some point I can meet them. There will be a reckoning. Why so much suffering. Cruelty. Pain. It is sadistic.

My boy is gone.

He cuddled up to me two nights ago. And ol school bed cuddle.

And it went across my mind.

This is the last bed cuddle he will give me.

It is 4.30am. This morning will be my first morning without him. My first morning without Ares greeting me. Watching me in the kitchen. Ready for meds and treats.

I do not know what to do with myself.

Everything is ashes.

I kept looking at his sleeping spot on the floor tonight. Not there.

I keep listening for his breathing. Not there.

Holy fucking shit.

Ho fucking ho ho Johnny. Are you still alive. Shall we prod you with some more suffering to test that.

No one told me life was crap I said to my dad.

Life will keep kicking you in the guts my dad said. And then when you can't take it anymore, it will do it again.

Yes I said. Just one long test.

My sweet innocent boy is gone. I am lost without him.

Let the dawn never come. This night to last eternal. Dozing in and out of purgatory forever more. I don't want to face a world without Ares.

Let the apocalypse come and the world burn. I no longer care. I am done with this world.

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