August 18th

 Better yesterday. Very few tears. At times I consciously don't poke at the pain. Don't stick your tongue into the sore tooth. And I am ballpark normal.

I wanted to see him. To see his face. I looked at my phone with his pictures waiting for me on there.

Let's maybe not. It's too soon. Don't punish yourself.

I am losing Ares. Fading into a blur. It gives me peace. It's also horrifying. I feel like a borderline sociopath. Ridiculous. Sociopaths don't hurt like that. But still.

I carry a sadness for him. Mostly I am ok. I can deal with his stuff. His lead, his bowl, it's... not anything near as wrenching as I thought. But then small things will come and smack me around the head. Last night of all things it was a packet of crackers. I went to take one. Realised the packet was open because I opened it for him, a cracker after his pills. The crackers were still in an "Ares state". A mark that he was here. And another mark that was to be erased.

Mmm.

A deep sadness.

Fuck me I hate life and death. I am more convinced than ever that existence is some bullshit torture where everyone desperately capers around pretending not to see the shit, manically denying that life is horrific but instead a lovely thing. Hardcore denial.

Perhaps it's just me.

I visited a chiropracter yesterday. Depending where you stand, quackery, or massage with a degree.

On various *really fucking obvious tests* I lit up like a christmas tree.

Neurological. Some serious weaknesses in one side or the other. Like. Really, *really* obvious weaknesses. I asked him to repeat one test it was so blatant. I thought he was messing with me and using different forces. No. It's that fucked.

Oh.

He did a scan along my spine.

This was the christmas tree bit. Uniformly all along my left side. Oh. The side that tingles and fizzes and whatnots ?

Yes.

He explained the nerves and the muscles and did a few simple tests that were very repeatable. Push your finger in here. Now your leg is strong. Remove the finger. Now your leg is weak. You're pushing on the nerve. It's not firing right. Pushing on it is increasing the signal to the brain and it functions better. You have garbage going into your brain, and garbage going out he said.

Wonderful.

He gave me a test for labyrinthitis.

You don't have it he said. It's not that. *Probably* not that. It's neurological.

He seemed to think my dizzy spells and whatnot were my nerves jangling. He wanted me back in the next day. As quick as possible. So, I guess I'm doing that.

Keeps coming up. Functional Neurological Disorder. And CFS.

Slow progress to an answer maybe. Maybe not.

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