August 26th

 I did too much yesterday, and paid the price.

Worked, difficult, stressy work, bouncing around between things. I have realised that the constant shifting of priorities on at minimum a daily basis if not hourly basis ups the stress a lot. Which is Andys anxiety and lack of planning. When he's not there, peace reigns - and not because of no work. I was in contact with one of the clients on a daily basis. I know his weaknesses, have for a long time. It is what it is. We work together, supportive.

I digress.

Went to DIY shop to buy a couple of supplies. I optimistically have it in my head I want to make something for my brother. A mold.

Came home ate lunch, felt, ok.

Then decided to go out again and pick up a little paint.

This was a mistake.

By the time I came home I felt sick. Tired. Ill. My eyes sucked into my head. Dizziness started to get worse.

And on getting home, I was that awful exhausted. Brain slightly struggling. Pains popping up in the chest area. Shoulder suddenly ached. Neck suddenly ached.

They reckon its not heart.

Sure seems like heart at times. But no, CFS.

I grant you that at times I can do something cardio like - walk the dogs - and not feel any effects. And other times it kicks in with a vengeance. Curious.

I waited it out. Gave up. Went to bed. Slept deeply for 2.5 hours. Came up into the shallows and decided I should probably get up or end up sleeping until the following day.

Felt ok but tired in the evening.

Awful dreams last night. Full of anxiety. Can't remember what exactly. I do remember looking in the mirror and seeing my eyes disappear, sunk into my skull, one eye gone, the other recessed. Heh. A dream like anxiety about my continually punched eyes.

I sat down and painted in the evening for a few hours. Hand cramped up. Ha. Good lord. This old age shit is... old.

Oh. Yes. I had to wait for my chiro appointment yesterday ( another one, 3 a week ). Whilst waiting. I finally did it. Watched Ares last moments I had recorded from the day. Yeah. Probably not super sensible. I watched. He seemed tired. Very tired. And he hesitated to step down a single step. But still my boy. It eased my guilt a little. I could see how old and tired he was. His big angry patch of welts on his neck. Maybe I could have had more time with him. Maybe could have tried something different - a different treatment. Waited to see and risked him getting awfully ill and in pain. But theres a bit of me that sees he was old and tired. Compared to Athena, struggling badly. It was not a terrible thing to let him go. But. I don't think I will ever be rid of that doubt and guilt. I miss him and his presence around the house. No more Ares cuddles.

Yeesh. What a delightful world.