10th September

 Despite having the fallout from Hazel, I didn't have a bad day at all yesterday. Though the morning was wobbly.

In fact, overall, on balance, good and bad, I haven't had a bad week. I chatted to a whole bunch of people yesterday and made some plans. It grounded me and generally lifted my mood. And then for lunch went out for afternoon tea in Holt. Something I'd had planned since a week ago. Which was very nice. Company was great. Outing was perfect tbh. Pulled me entirely out of where I was and was another reminder that people are nice.

I took Athena out in the morning, just before leaving for the day. First time I've walked her on her own. Which was another bit of a... well... just one of those moments. Just me and Athena. On a walk. No Poppy. And. Of course. No Ares. No distractions from the very stark awareness, hey, did you know you're missing a dog.

Yes.

I could feel myself looking for Ares. Seeing him walking with us. Uggggghhhhhhhh. Jesus. Where have you gone my lovely boy ? I miss you so much.

The house is too quiet without Ares. It crossed my mind I should get another dog. Not to replace Ares. I can never replace Ares. But. I realised I liked the house having a certain amount of life to it. Things other than me bouncing around. I don't know.

Poor Ares. If I could have given my life for his, I would have done. Or shared our lifespans. I would have done. Such is the nature of dogs. Wonderful little living beings that are gone all too quickly.

I think. Defining it more concisely. Ares just adds massively to the ever ongoing existential crisis I have. It makes that stuff... worse.

Stick your fingers in your ears, la la la la la, I can't hear you.

Which is the only strategy I have to deal with it. Which is poor at best.

A-n-y-w-a-y.

Look away from the abyss Johnny. Look. Away. Turn around and feel the sun on your face.

*closes eyes and feels sun on face*

It's still there isn't it ?

What ?

The abyss.

Yes.

Right behind me ?

Yes.

Sigh.

This also doesn't seem too far off base. Memes. Encompassing all of human existence. I love them.

Animals, Quiet, and Mind: Friend: Hey you've been pretty quiet
 lately what's on your mind?
 Me:
 EXISTENTIAL
 CRISIS
 CURRENT
 SNACKS
 ANIMALS

I am still thinking about redoing a few things around the house. Part of my, lets sort the house out very very slowly plan. There's an urge in me to pull off all the kitchen cabinet doors, sand them, paint them, replace the "hardware" for say, antique bronze. I also read an experts guide into rejuvenating bits of your house for sale. I found it very interesting. Which is positive. In that I'm not staring into the abyss. And also it sparks a bit of interest in me. Not dead yet. I was pleased to see their advice for a kitchen, and their example, were almost a carbon copy of what I want to do. Oh yes. See how on trend I am. Awwww yeah.

I am wary of overdoing it. I've had a relative good few days. The little voice in me urges me to do more. See. You're doing ok. It's fine. Push it. Come on. We need to do stuff.

Hmmmmm.

This is what the CFS people tell me is a boom and bust cycle.

Oh yes.

Hilariously. Yet another health type person urged me to slow down. My chiro. You work too much. Ha. Why does everyone say that ? There must be.. like... a pattern.. they are seeing.

Ha ha.

The chiro went onto say how important it was to get that right. He then subtly urged me to change jobs - fields even - by giving an example of a friend he had known and his - very slow and reluctant - changes he made to work. Uh huh. I quite like my chiro. He treats me like a bit of an idiot. And I just go along with it. I watch him. And tease bits of his life from him. Heh. Oh man. What am I like.

Over afternoon tea I noted to my companion I had felt somewhat better this week - Hazel not withstanding. They asked if I had been dialling back my work effort. Yeah I said. It's odd. Dial work down, I feel better. If only I could figure out the pattern ! They laughed. In all seriousness I said, I am not sure it's that simple of a link. Correlation is not causation and all that. But it could be incremental. Death by , well, not a thousand cuts. But maybe a couple of handfuls of cuts. And work could be one of them. In a perfect world.. eh.. I think I'd give up professional IT. I love computers. I hate the idiots that you have to deal with. I am a natural teacher. But after a while the idiot expressions and too many cases of wiping someones arse gets realllllyyy old. Oh. You've predictably fucked up again after not bothering to learn ? Let me fix your boo boo. Meh. I think I am getting tired of being a brain whore and people complacently dancing ever more chaotically, sound in the knowledge I will walk behind them with a broom. Human nature innit. It's also a general problem IT has in integrating with "normal people". Those not in IT. The machines are very black and white. Wrong or Right. Humans are very.. not that. Wishy washy. Oh that's what I meant. By default we use an enormous amount of fudges and approximations to go through life. This is entirely incompatible with the machines. And once you see it, and understand it. It can get frustrating, because you're watching people continually make bad decisions, uneducated choices, which is ok, but the truly worst, is when they do all that and ignore you, or think they know better. They dont. And you proceed to the all too inevitable learning cycle of sticking your hand in the fire getting burned and surprised looks. Yeah. We told you. Sigh. Don't get me wrong. I love people and their fuzzy personal journeys and I adore listening to people and being able to join them where they are in their head. But when it's about a job. And getting a result. By a deadline. And getting your shit together in a professional sense. Yeah. Different matter. Especially if we've done this dance before, and by now, you really should be better. Guaranteed frowny face from me.

In a perfect world. I'd open a dog sanctuary. And take in all the dogs in need of a home. A big farm where they could chill and run around. If they get adopted, cool. If they don't also cool. A place they could live free of human bullshit, and just revel in their live in the moment dogness. Of course. Watching them die. Yikes. But. I think providing all those happy yappers a sanctuary would be worthwhile. A good thing. A positive in the world. And it would .. I'm not gonna say make me happy. I don't really know what that is anymore. But. I think I would be content.

Then again. Think of the poo-mageddon. Ha. I joke. You'd need some industrial poo gatherer solution :p The Poo Pro 5000.

I think that. And do shit with my hands. Crafting. From big to small. Would be. Very cool. Goodness. Is that enthusiasm ? Jesus. What does *that* feel like. Alien world.


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