14th September

 Hate to say it.

But each morning in bed as time wears on. Work anxiety increases. It's ok once I get up and start moving around. But oof. Beforehand. It drives me awake. I wonder if the stress and whatnot requires a conscious effort to suppress. When the conscious side of me dozes, there is a lack of control. All starts to vaguely sound freudian and ego like. Not withstanding most of that is, imho, a total crock of shit when you push past the very basics.

So. Work. Uh huh. Did I say I need a rest ? Ho ho ho.

Feeling a bit better today after a shaky start. Had another chiro session. Each day the chiro reveals a little more about himself. Today I learned that the dude is a pro lifer. He didn't outright say that. But heavily implied it when he talked about how people used "different language" to obscure the reality. IE, being pro choice = unborn baby killer. Which is an interesting choice of words and example topic, to highlight that. Perhaps he was just being... controversial. The body language however also implied otherwise. A real sticking point. How fascinating. As per usual, I kept my mouth shut and simply observed. I am now intrigued to slowly tease out his opinion on other touchpaper issues. I shall ponder on some good questions to ask next time. Ha ha. I suspect he is an interesting paradox of ideas. I think I take him off guard a lot, because I *always* ask him how *he's* doing, and what he's been up to. Which is my way. Last time I saw my GP I asked if she was alright. It's what I do.

Think I have a busy week setup for me this week. Games evening, nephew visiting for a few days, more games at the weekend. Another afternoon tea soon, and a trip to Oxford. I am slightly worried it's wayyyyyyyyyy too much. Ho well.

Took Athena out for a lovely walk yesterday. It is very sad not to have Ares there. He is never far from my thoughts. I can *almost* feel him walking right at my side as he perpetually did. And that .. hurts.. aches... I don't know. I miss him every day. But, it's nice to let Athena have all the attention for a change. No naughty poppy. No Ares. She just gets to do her own wacky thing. Full of energy and curiousity. And such a good girl. Doesn't worry the cows or other dogs. Bitter sweet.  Like many things at the moment, something I am finding hard to process, clarify, understand where I am emotionally. All over the fucking show. And a part of me is horrified at the future of inevitably losing Athena too. What then Johnny. Literally no reason at all to stick around anymore.

If I could close my eyes and float away, disappear, all pains and grief gone, I would. If I could walk into the ether with Athena and Ares at my side, guaranteed, I wouldn't even finish this sentence.

Cheery.

Sigh.

When Caroline visited on Friday, as she was leaving I let Athena out onto the street to have a snuffle and indulge her curiousity to see where Caroline was going. Athena sniffed her car. She's very good like that. She knows your car from the smell attached to it. She knows our car the same way. You can see her sniff the handles. Smart arse. Caroline said something along the lines of, oh you're coming for a car ride ? Athena immediately perked up. A ride in a car ? Oooooh. I cautioned Caroline, yeah, you can't say shit like that around her, she understands you and is smart and will just go with you. She followed Caroline around to the drivers side of the car, now standing confidently in the middle of the road with her. Where we going then ?

Funny. Also smartest dog I've ever known.

Did a bit of painting last night. Just some glazes on tiny dudes. Was mellowing.

My dreams are full of anxiety, out of time, out of place, not belonging, not knowing, of being terribly ill. Not cool. My subconscious continues to stumble through a storm of trauma and emotion it seems. In one snippet, someone looked at me in horror. Have you had a stroke they said ? One side of your face has slumped. This is an echo of something I think on some days. You can see it in my mouth. Now lopsided. One side now hangs lower. And tingles. Nice.

Anyway.

I'm thinking. Very. Very. Cautiously. About the possibility. Of the slightest. Kind of relationship. Like. Other half. Kind of relationship. I am sure it will come to nothing. And or I will supress the shit out of myself as is usually the case. Plus. Who the fuck would have me. Then again. Only thing I really have to lose is misery, I suppose. Eh. We shall see. 

I have become weirdly... pragmatic about the whole thing. when I was younger I was the opposite. All fire and emotion and fate. Now. Heh. I am not sure if it's trauma, age, experience or what. I appreciate people for who they are, for the moments you can have, and that you can have that with all sorts of people. And that its being there for people, experiencing shit together, and less about some amazing fireball of high emotion wonder. That probably says a lot about my burn out self maybe. I like to think there is a high dose of wisdom in there and zen. Love others. Don't hurt them. Support them. Help them when asked. Be there. That's about it. The rest. Is smoke, mirrors and societal conditioning into pigeonholes. I think I love a huge amount of people these days. Guys, gals, dogs ! But perhaps not in that same super intense supernova way I used to with just one or two. More love, widely spread ? I dunno.

Are you coming out as bi ???

Heh. No. I don't mean it like that. Loving people doesn't mean I have an urge to hump them.

I get that this wide breadth of love and no labels possibly makes me very weird. I think stuff like jealousy and control of others and the agreements we put into place to try and nail that down... can have disastrous effects. Don't get me wrong. I understand. I understand why that all exists. It's about stability. And being able to rely on someone. On them just not taking off into the night. But. That's more about being an asshole or not. I think. If you love something set it free and all that. We all shift as people. Ebb and Flow day to day. And over time we evolve and learn and change. Is it bonkers to think that our relationships should not be nailed down into intractable unchanging forms that don't reflect who we are and how we change ? That, say in the case of marriage, it has to be together or divorce, love or hate. Seems. Off. To me. But I get it. To be... free of possessiveness, jealousy and all that good stuff, is... a hard ask. Still. Personally. I feel like I left that all behind so long ago. I don't know. Maybe I am full of shit. ^_^

Some days I think I am just turning into a blob of warmth and caring for others. Which is super ironic. Being the misery that I am. I don't think thats truly who I am though. I think I am a happy loving person somewhere deep in my core. Life and the world.. makes me miserable however. But it's not who I am. Again. Maybe I am full of shit. Ha ha.