18th September

 Busy. As foreseen.

My nephew came down for an overnight stay. We played a couple of games. Before he got here I had noticed that my energy was declining, harder to get out of bed, and so on the day, I was struggling somewhat. I put  my best face on it, pushed - even though I am not supposed to - and got on with it. It was good to see him.

I had a chiro appointment in the afternoon on the day he left. Oh boy. That was a struggle to get out to hit. Energy was real low. I went to bed 60 minutes before the appointment. Alarm on for 30 minutes. It went off. Felt so tired. Stuck it back on for another 5. Then another 5. Dragged myself out. Eesh.

Kayley at the chiro chatted happily to me. She's been slowly visiting my recommendations around Norfolk ( she's a Londoner ). She's looking to go to Follys tea room soon as well. Ha. She's a lovely happy person. We always chatter when I am there, even when there's other people in the waiting room. It's nice.

Tinnitus has crept back up again this week. And the dizziness. Suspect. Possibly part of a pattern I am starting to see. Need more data. A lazy cycle, up, down, up, down, played out over... a week ? 2 weeks ? Not sure. Where up is, not good, but workable, and down is, very not good, rest mandatory. At all points the siren call to sleep is always there to some extent. There  is, as mentioned before, also a shorter cycle that does its own thing. Between say, 2 hours and 48 hours in length. Which can also ride up and down. Wheels within wheels.

I read another news item the other day about long covids affects on the brain. And that a wave of "dysautomnia" diagnoses had been seen. Dizziness when getting up. Brain fog. Ooh. More ticks on the bingo card of viral post effect for me. It seems pretty much like a slam dunk at this point. Something went in, fucked me over, and.. I haven't properly recovered / permanent damage has been done. Walking wounded.

I am 6 months post my harley street visit which is the latest the doc thought I would have recovered by. Not recovered. Better. But most definitely not recovered. Hmm.

Still getting used to it just being me and Athena in the house. Not great to be honest. It's ok. But the house feels empty and lonely.

A few gut shots about Ares over the last few days. I realised my nephew had never met Ares or Athena. Never will meet Ares now. I reminisced a bit about Ares. Realised I sounded like some pensioner. Ho hum. Also made myself sad. Well done. 

Yesterday as I was downloading pictures from my phone, inevitably came across more photos and videos of Ares. One of which was from a year and a half ago. Standing as he ever did on the threshold of the kitchen, watching me, wagging his tail. And I realised how happy a pup he had been. A very happy waggy tail boy. And how that wag had faded in the last few months. It made me realise the difference between him on a healthier day, and a less healthy one. Perhaps, after all, I hadn't made such a terrible mistake in letting him go. Perhaps. Even so. I miss him every day. As a good friend of mine recently said. You're going to have to carry that from now on.

Yes.

Cue, Carry that Weight by the Beatles, again.

This morning I woke up with a hole in my stomach. Ares. His loss. It roused me out of bed, I couldn't sleep with it. A sorry way to start the day.

It is what it is. It's ok. I think that's my fate. A role each of us play. Unique outcomes of permutation chaos that resolves into stereotypes and stories and cautionary tales that make up the greater mass of the common experience.

On a more positive note. I popped into the craft store the other day. Picked up a few supplies at whim - I was looking for a nice wooden box. Couldn't find one. Ended up going down a different route of making a fake book container thinger. It's nice to do.

I also made a couple of streams this week. Which I haven't done in quite some time. Haven't felt like it, all round, not super well, not in a happy mood. But I did it this week, slightly through gritted teeth. And it was good. There is something about chatting to myself that helps a bit. Interesting. *scribbles that down in the Big Book of Findings*

Streaming and being crafty have both helped this week. Hmmmm. So, that's positive ?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

May 9

Nov 6