19th September

 On the face of it, I look pretty normal. At a glance. But yeah. So not true.

So this weekend, ended up playing a game for 7 hours or so - a new personal best in my Post Personal Apocalypse Year. Dog tired before I left to go. I was a bit worried I would just flake out. I took precautions. Napped for 2 hours prior. And felt truly terrible afterwards. Excellent. Took a handful of painkillers. And plenty of water.

And I rode it out ok. It was nice chilling with people, albeit I was quiet. Got home, felt pretty ok.

Today I have been a shit show. A general malaise of ill all day, peaking at nausea and too hot a temperature, tired, lethargic, blehhhhhh.

Today's been my worst day I think. It's just an incremental ( or decremental ) step on the, I dont feel well scale of this week. Seems like I am thoroughly into downturn territory. Hopefully, it eases off soon. Perhaps this is the all too predicatble consequence of pushing it this week ? But in any case. The unwellness is real. And getting to points where I cant do shit *except* go to bed. No choice.

I am also aware that people don't see it.

You're looking and sounding better I was told.

They don't see me curled up in a ball 2 hours before hand feeling like absolute shit or the day after in a mild daze of dizziness, nausea and brain fog.

Eh well.

I am still very resigned to it. When the bad gets bad, I think, eh, well, so what. Fuck it. I am not in the mood to struggle or care anymore. It's ok. If I am here tomorrow, ok, if I am not, thank fuck. Again it's that same pattern that has been following me all this year, but, with Ares gone, is now just very cemented in place. What does it matter ? Athena is still here of course. Time ticks on. She wont be here forever. I don't want to be either. So. I'm not fussed about it. Shit is very wrong with me, but, I've kinda stopped bothering about it. I've had my tests, had some docs give me a once over. That'll do.

What's the word ?

Fatalistic.

I am also aware people would be sad were I to go .. of my own causing. Told to my face. By multiple people. If I were to go of... "natural causes". I think people would be better with it. Rationalise it that I wasn't suffering anymore. That old chestnut. The same thing they tell me about Ares.

And to be frank. I think on balance. I am definitely at a point where I should be put out of my misery. I suspect people know it, but don't say it. Possibly a relief all round. Who knows. Maybe I am just being particularly cheery this evening. It's hard not to be when you feel ill all the goddamn time, and then it's back to work. Marvellous.

Eh well.

So. Unwell today. Which means all things and plans have fast ejected. There is no future but the next breath. 

On a more positive note, I finished a crafting project of a fake book. I was ill through most of it. Napped, rested, did a bit, get ill. Rinse and repeat through the day. But you grit your teeth and just do it. Don't you. Don't you ? I don't know. No idea. And here's the thing. I can post it on Facebook. And that's what people see. Positive. Did some crafting. I *don't* post the amount of ill and super struggle it took to complete it. Because. As my Brother said. People don't want to hear it. I know. So. I shut up about it by and large. Ish. Here. Is different. Here. I treat somewhat like my inner dialogue. Almost no holds barred. It's cathartic for me. The feeling of not being able to truly tell people how you are is real. I don't want to seem... negative.. well... *that* negative. So you learn to shut your mouth. Because people are happier that way. Which, I know, on an intellectual level, is brutally awful. But that's life innit. No one said it was anything else.

Anywho.

Work tomorrow.

Yikes.

Increasingly I am like, eh, just quit work. No job. Live off your savings for a few years. Because, you probably wont make it that long anyway. That's how convinced I am that my time is short. On the other hand, who knows. Maybe I improve. And. There's always that nagging worry that you must work, you must earn, money, money, money, must stand on own two feet, must do, must go on.

I'll probably keep on keeping on until I keel over to be honest. I'm not smart enough to do otherwise.

So I noticed something on Saturday. After I had a 2 hour nap and felt like garbage.

My head was stuffed with cotton wool. Thinking was hard. I felt like I had a ... stuffed... mild headachey head. And my eyes. Blacked up shockingly. Like I had been punched. It seems to me that all can't be a coincidence. There is a pattern of things there. I was tired before, but didnt have as bad black eyes. Napped. Really black eyes. Foggy head. Felt awful. In 2 hours ?

? ? ?

It has to be an oxygen / cardio / blood flow thing ? Idk. Go round in circles again back to the original, cardio or vascular is shot malarkey. More data required. Perhaps it's one of those annoyingly "borderline" things. Not enough to kill you - yet. But definitely enough to show up and hit you. But not enough for the stone age medical diagnostics to pick up either. Meh.