20th September

 Relieved that yesterday ended. As I slipped off to sleep Ares haunted my thoughts, an ache in my stomach, then the oblivion of sleep. I don't think that's ever going to go away. I read some stuff on social media about people losing their dogs. Getting new ones. There was good advice. How they don't replace those passed. All unique.

Still.

It's not a headspace I want to be in.

I'm getting better with it. Oh. So. Slowly. Still hurts like fuck and makes me cry. Ho hum. I'm like a broken record. Same shit. Different day.

Today was better. Surprisingly I had some energy kicking around. Absolutely no clue why. Random bullshit.

So I pottered through work, cursed at devs mistakes bringing systems down. Prettied up some things. And got some stuff done. Andy was probably in the best frame of mind for me today. Didn't bug or chase, but engaged. Sometimes I appreciate that he can just be calm some days. Not be an asshole. Sounds trivial. Isn't.

Left side of my face has started up again. This time the tingling has moved down to the eye socket and into the jaw. A combination of numb, "stiff", and tingly. With occasional weird feelings of... idk what, across my forehead. It's wonderful. Like having faulty wiring that keeps futzing. People will ask me how I am. What do I say ? I just say yeah, I'm ok. It's easier. Ho hum.

Tomorrow I get to trek to Oxford. Gonna be a long day. Chiro in the morning, then a round trip of over 7 hours. A test of my mettle. Hmm. Pushing your luck you say ?

I don't know what you mean.

I am aware it's stupid. But. It's something I think is important. So. I'll pay the price. Eh. Story of my life ? Ha ha.

Had feelings of worthlessness late Sunday. You, sir. Suck. Nobody likes you and you deserve to be isolated and have all the bad things happening to you. I get it. That it's mostly my demons. But eh. Illustrative of just how fucking twisty the brain can get. And it makes me want to bunker down and just give up. A struggle to swim upstream against it. On top of everything else. I suspect at this point I need massive doses of positive loving energy to right that ship. Crazy levels. Ha. Yeah. Doubtful of happening.

Ahh. So mental. Ha ha. Wibble. Wibble. I find it fascinating watching "mentalry" depicted on TV or stories. It's. Just. Not right. Like watching Victorians trying to explain "foreign tribes". I had that issue with Ricky Gervais and his bit about the depressed suicidal guy. After watching it a bit. No. That is not how that fucking works. You've taken a guess and run with it. And trivialised it. Meh. I don't like Ricky Gervais. He's a bully and an exploiter and dabbler in some very negative stuff ( from mocking people with disabilities, to outright bullying and gaslighting of others ), and worst of all, hides behind a tissue of shitty excuses and deniability. Meh. His comment on Karl Pilkington is a perfect example of this. When the accusation was levelled at him that he bullied Karl, he said he wished he'd been bullied like that, he had made him rich. Well done Ricky. The point is NOT whether you made him more well off but whether you bullied him. It's *perfectly* possible to utterly abuse someone *AND* give them money. Gervais is utterly blind to it. He thinks, money given, that's ok then. No sir. It is not. And you are utterly blind to the shitty person you are. Eh well.

Right. As per usual. Focus on the positive to end on. I've decided this isn't a bad pattern. Possibly even, *gasp*, a positive thing. Gonna arrange another afternoon tea this week. Which should be nice. I get to chill with Caroline again. Which is fast becoming my moment of zen. She's funny. There's other stuff melting in there too. I really do appreciate people so much. I think all the positives I have are based around people. People. If you ask me. Are important.

Gonna do some finishing touches on the crafted book. And then give it away as a gift. I'm quite pleased with my book. I was working out if I made them for a living ( no ), how much I would need to charge for each one. Well. Probably around £1,000 a pop. Ha ha. No. I was also checking out some laser cutting machines. I've idly wanted one for years. To chop up plastic and wood. To engrave and burn. It's my crafty nature. In an alternate universe, I'd be a full on cottage industry producing "tat". Art, if you're being generous.

Nephew - via my sister - send me pics of some models he's just painted up. He's got into buying games - I gave him a bunch to take home and keep that he can play with his son. For some really dumb reason, he seems to think a lot of me. I haven't done ass all to inspire that, really. Still. At least - I think - he's happier now. A new focus. Come out of his shell a bit. I don't know.

Good job Johnny.

Thank you Johnny.

Are we still not worthy ?

No.

Does it help ?

No.

Oh.

Ha. *finger guns*