24th September

 Tuesday turned out to be a very long day. With a 7+ hour return trip, was probably a no brainer. But was longer than expected. Left at 10am ( after a chiro in the morning ) and got back at 11pm. I think all told I spent 9 hours in a car. Which was utterly stupid.

But surprisingly I held up. Didn't flag. Kept on trucking. I was tired when I got home. But normal tired. Tired like normal people.

Following day I didn't blow out either.

Uh huh.

Yesterday.. ehhh... I flagged. But not shockingly. Surprisingly I have held up this week. Hmmm. That's good right ?

Don't get me wrong, I slept 13 hours last night. Ha ha. But eh. Positive.

There are a couple of changes that have happened in the last 2 weeks or so.

1) I've stopped taking one of my meds.

2) My permanently fucked up butt... has changed.

I'm wondering whether either or both of those has nudged a slight uptick in energy levels or not.

My stomach has been pretty good for a long while now, so I have taken myself off the stomach ulcer meds. I should tell the GP this. Long term use of these is known to give you some.. ehh.. side effects ( doesn't everything ).

And my butt. Eh. The problem seems to have shifted somewhat. After 2 years of an open wound, that wound has finally, sorta, kinda, closed ( not properly, it's.. complicated ). But. Seems like it has now shifted under the skin to go elsewhere. I suspect it has gone internal. Still swells up. Hmm. Hard to say what's going on with it. If I suddenly drop dead with blood poisoning we can take that as read that it Was Not Good.

Can't say I am bothered. I say that now. Obviously when I am on the cusp of kicking it no doubt my inner animal will panic. Again different parts of me are voting in wildly different ways. The conscious thinky side has long had enough. The inner primitive animal just wants to live and eat nice things.

A shrink would tell you that this level of non caring of impending mortality is a sign of depression. Yeah ? Sometimes I can't tell anymore. It's just me.

An interview with Hugh Laurie a considerable time ago always stuck with me. He tells of being in a demolition derby, driving an old banger around a race track and realising it was quite dangerous. If I remember correctly this was when he had landed the House role. He said whilst driving he pondered dying, and that he would be ok just slamming into the back of someone and dying right then and there. No problem. Be nice. No feelings. On relating this to a therapist and some other poking, he was diagnosed with depression. It's one of the less dramatic signs. A hardcore fatalistic, no fear of death, just do it kind of mentality. Which I suppose if you think about it is pretty nuts. I think a lot of people exhibit this from time to time. I think it's a reflection of how much background misery there is in the world. I could be wrong. It also goes to show you that misery is relative. Being famous, or rich, is no protection from misery. Sure say the comedians, if I had lots of money I wouldn't be miserable. But they don't know. Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Take a look at some of the lottery winners and their miserable stories. There is a difference in a strong belief that something is a cureall, and that something *actually* being a cureall. People are notoriously bad from sifting fact from belief.

Back to me.

Work this week was shit. Andy towards the end of the week was busy, and just.. reaching for shit/being lazy. Out of his depth. And it's annoying. And frustrating. Oh, this is this problem. No. It's *fucking not*. But sure, just lump it all together. Oh it must have been a mistake from this right ? No ! Oh, why does it do this. Ughhh. Sometimes when it's bad it's really bloody obvious how much I have to do, and how much reliance there is on my knowledge, my capability to think faster, and also just getting shit done. The icing on the cake is when the clients are also at this level, dont know what they are asking for, or want, and you end up just having to think for them and tell them how their business works. ( Which has happened this week ). At that point, everyone is sitting there with their mouths open, and I am doing everything. It occurred to me in a darkly humorous kind of way, that with enough distance, I would end up just pushing everyone out of the way and doing their jobs for them, because they were shit. A population of helpless idiots watching one person run around and do all the jobs.

On the other hand. This is exactly enabling behaviour. I am enabling people to be shit at their job, not bother, not learn, not do. Because if they wheedle or laze, I will end up doing it for them.

We have a singular structure in place that means the backstop is always me. I will always do the thing. Everyone else can just not bother. And in the end, that's what it defaults to.

Is not good.

In a sane world I should quit. Do something else entirely. It would be good for them. They would have to learn how to do. Either that or fail on their arse and find something more suitable for their skillset.

Ho well.

End on positives.

Hmmm.

Not sure I have any. Yikes.

Going to play some games on Saturday with the lovely Sam, and get some always excellent food. Which is great.

Otherwise. Pretty thin on the ground positive wise.

Hmm. Think I am stressed and tired. Clouding my ability to smell the roses.

Ok. I *really* need to find something positive here. I think it has been helping a lot. Uhh. Heh. Uh. Perhaps I should go get a few more houseplants. I have some empty pots which Hazel had promised to fill ( zero chance of that now ). I've been itching to go down the garden center again lately, but work always keeps me  busy til after its closed. Admittedly I could just drop shit and go, because I can, but there's a lot to do, and Andy is just.. meh.. atm. So. Feels like I can't do that. Might do a little painting. Think I am bit too "stressy buzzy" to properly get into it though. Hmm.