Sep 26th

 Yesterday went out to Coltishall, sat by the river. Let Athena have a sniff. Caught up with my in laws. "In laws". Heh. My other family. Complicated. Let's just say I count myself lucky to feel like I have more than one family.

Today, played some games, ate some good food. I slumped in the afternoon, had to have a nap. But. Eh. Pretty good. Felt pretty good.

Getting. Better ? Or just a blip ? Cycle up ? Wait for the cycle down ?

That being said.

My mood has crashed tonight. 1.55AM. And my demons have come out to play.

Ares last breath decides to replay, over and over in vivid detail in my head. Brutal. I can feel all the guilt and doubt rise from the ashes again to plague me. Too soon. Tried harder. And how much I miss him. A solid horrible gnawing stone in the middle of my stomach. I count the passing days. 43. A month and a bit since I last saw him. And again I am thrown into the nihilistic abyss of what the fucking point of all that struggling is.

What.

At best I can draw a veil across it. Ignore it.

At worst it is right there in my face. No point. No hope. Just suffering. With oases of ignorance and pleasantry.

We are a shitty evolutionary dead end. A mistake of consciousness. And ultimately we will be pruned out. Smart enough to outrun your predators is one thing. Too smart so that you can ponder the abyss is another.

Wide awake. I have to get up. My brain is not letting me sleep and torturing me for kicks.

There are some wise words from Marcus Aurelius that apply here. Jeez. So much wisdom and stuff has already been done thousands of years before, we just forget it. Anyway. I can't remember the exact quote, but to paraphrase he says...

Think of what's giving you trouble in your past. What's giving you trouble in your future. Now concentrate on this exact moment. No future. No past. Just right now. Now consider if anything is intolerable right now ? Is this so bad ? Then live there.

Which is the old school way of saying live in the moment, be mindful. 

Which is smart.

But doesn't really solve anything. It's just a mantra to enable you to push all those horrors out, ignore reality, and just focus on one breath at a time.

Same old shit. Millennia after millennia. Nihilists vs Existentialists. Nothing matters. vs. Sure nothing matters, so you invent your own things that matter.

Like sky fairies and lands of make believe ?

I think a brutally rational scientific approach *must* inevitably lead to an equally brutal nihilism. I see no other conclusion. Like sitting on the edge of an event horizon.

Hmm.

Perhaps I need to finally close that book. Stop thinking on the macro scale. Yes. You got there. Well done. Everything is shit. Now. Stop. Finish. Do something less... traumatic. Time to stop pushing, stop the churn of analysis and process and data. It has got stuck in a final loop. Tricky. I've spent my whole life pursuing that. Hmm. I have to learn to be an existentialist and take my eyes off the horizon I think. Out here on the edge, it's all a little... inhuman. And sounds a little.. bonkers. It's not. It's. Uber sane. It's the world that's crazy.

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