September 29th

Tired as fuck.

My own fault, stayed up way too late til gone 3am to get a chance to talk to someone who's a night owl.

But. I can't do shit like that anymore. A few days on I still have a major sleep deficit. On the plus side the bad effects from it are less than they have been. I seem to be maintaining my slight improvement in stamina and fatigue. It's subtle, not a hop and a skip, hooray I am back to my old self. More of a nudge, oh, I am not wiping out as often and can do shit.

I think this is the first time that an improvement is... properly noticeable. Just because you can complete a task and not flatline. So. Makes it noticeable. I am still being very cautious with what I do..kinda... with the exceptions of stupid outings to Oxford and the like. I'm just over the six month mark that the Harley St Doc thought I should have recovered by. Not recovered. But continuing to improve. That's one hell of a recovery time. Yikes.

Pushed my luck a bit last evening, tripped out to the DIY store to pick up some wood cutting tools. Tired. But did it anyway. Whilst standing pondering what exact size to get, my body did that whole.... crash, bang, bzzzt, wtf, yikes... thing. I *think* something happens with my heart. A missed beat.. or two. Or *something*. It's very. Weird. And just one of the delightful new to this year fuckup issues I now get. For a moment it feels like you're gonna have a heart attack. No pain. But. Yikes. Then for 20 seconds everything is out of kilter, like a brass band not playing in time together. Then it fades. I didn't freak out, holy shit I am getting used to Really Weird Shit Going On With Me, I just stood there and "watched" myself. Record Mode On. Huh. I thought at the end of it. Wacky heart shit. This has happened a number of times and kinda mimics that first ( painful ) thud I had back in December 2020 - almost the same setup though, but a supermarket. There is no anxiety or panic or the like associated with it. Very calm. But yeah. The body definitely... spasms out for a bit. Weird shit.

Been having a *lot* of dreams lately. They are never good. School, as goddamn ever, is a recurring theme. School fucked me up so hard. Decades later, its demands are still ingrained into me. Makes me wonder if traditional schooling isn't just outright.. damaging to some people types. The sausage factory doesn't care. It's a way to make sausages. You're not great sausage material ? Tough. Into the factory you go. Given what I know about people, history and society, dumb assery, doing what has been done before, few people actually being able to innovate or solve problems, this setup makes *perfect* sense to me.

Ares haunts my dreams still ( and often Ares at *school* ). A recurring theme is going back in time to when he was still here and changing the future somewhat so that he's not dead. It's a weird thing that I seem to have fixated on. I dont know. My subconscious seems to have figured this is some kind of solution. Last night I was horribly sad in my dreams again. I got Ares back. Enjoyed taking him for a walk. Lost both Ares and Athena in crowds. Got them back again. No leads. Off. On. But then realised at some point, even though he was alive again, I would have to lose him again. He would die again and I would have to go through it all once more. A second bout of loss. I didn't think I could take it.

Needless to say, about as sad as you can get. I am. Hmm. Endlessly.. surprised. With how much sadness and suffering I endure. It's bonkers. Yet I am still here. Like some fucking engine of misery. It would be nice if it all meant something.

I miss Ares. And my memories of his day to day cuddles and presence are...fading. He is moving from my life to my history. I find it horrifying. And fuel to my nihilistic fire. It eases my pain. It increases my nihilistic horror. I am somewhat utterly disgusted with myself for letting him slip into the past. There is shit all I can do of course, but still, that's not enough. No excuse. I have to be better than that. I am not better than that of course. I can't actually change time or warp reality. So I suck. Don't have god like powers ? You are a failure. Which is quite yikes. But me all over. Must. Do. Better. The whole frustration and misery feeds the rage about the universe. Careless cruelty. The setup for sublime suffering. Fuck this. And fuck you. Fucker. "You". The Universe. God. Gods. Aliens. Chaos. Yeah. You. The ultimate anthropomorphisation.

Tilting at windmills. Don Quixote would be proud.

Neighbour packed up and left yesterday. Itself quite sad. My neighbour has been keeping half an eye on me since the start of the year. We're about as close as neighbours get. Nothing major. But. Nice. There for each other. Ha. It's what I do. Build trust and mutual help. Anyway. Moved. Gone. To better places. Sad to see them go, they've been here 11 years. On the scale of things, it's minor. But still. Another tick in the shifting sands of time and change. Which I can do without. Fuck time. Fuck change. Etc.

Also had a difficult conversation with a friend. She gave me..eh... not entirely constructive tough love. Was way off in some of her attempts to pigeon hole me. In fact little of it landed on target. I just mostly listened. Raised point with some things that were entirely 180 degrees wrong headed. But just resigned myself to it by and large. I could see her painting a picture of me that what was not me. Painting a picture of me made up of others she knew. You could see the constraints of her subjective context. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. It ended up being more about her and her own baggage than me. Ho hum. I realise people are flawed. And that their assessments or treatment of you can never be relied on to be fair. It's one of my go to things when talking to others. Remember the fallacy that those you come across that you think will give you perfectly fair, balanced, 20/20 treatment. So not true for the most part. Particularly true when it comes to "official" things where there is an expectation of fairness. Ha. Have you met people ? Meet someone on a bender, and you can expect injustice at the very least. This defies people expectations of always being treated fairly. And defied expectations, particularly in important or emotional settings is one the hardest blows people have to cope with. Understandably, it upsets people a lot. Even though, if you step back and think about it, it's entirely predictable, and something you should just be aware of and brush off. Ha. Easy said. Still. Knowing is half the battle. That dude was an asshole ! Don't let an assholes judgement destroy your own good. Important ! Otherwise we all end up assholes.

So anyway. Yeah. That was something of a downer too. She's an odd kind of friend. And very. Self centred. I am aware that she's another one of those.. somewhere on the not great scale of people for me. A user, rather than a helper. She will suck up all the help, money, or comfort I can give. And return. Little if anything. Still. I am overwhelmingly a positive idiot in such things. And don't judge. And do shit for her. As I do. Eh. Heh. I need to learn to wind it in for some people. Or do I ? Debatable. Comes down to that opportunity cost. In principle I am 100% help everyone. And I do. In practice.. you can't deny that if you have limited opportunities, there may be.. better.. or worse... choices in how you spend those opportunities to help people. Harsh. You start then to have to grade how much one person needs help against another. Yikes. The ugly realities of ... reality.

Again. Not sure where I am, what I am doing, who I am. I think I really desperately need to just spend a significant amount of chill time with people... that are not users. I do have something of a capability of attracting users. I guess because I give help freely. Don't get me wrong. I also know a large number of wonderful fantastic non user people too. I guess, after all that navel gazing, it's just probabilities. In X amount of people you will get Y amount of self centered users. And with me, the users tend to stick. And I am motivated to help them. Enabling behaviour.

Meh. I refuse to be an uncharitable cynic like my parents where everyone is suspicious and help is a dirty word. Take a breath. And just know that more wisdom needs to be applied in helping people. Choose wisely. There are nuances to be had.

End on positive.

I have been mildly pottering. Got myself a fancy window cleaning kit. 9 meters, or 27 feet in old money ! I know. The most banal of middle age excitement. Still. I am aware it's another positive sign. Those completely in the realm of the nihilistic abyss tend not to buy window cleaning equipment. It means I am not lost. Yay.

I also finally got round to getting a proper mic boom arm and shock mount. Ah ha ha. Very slowly I am moving towards a professional recording setup. It is, having now installed it, a lot better. It definitely... is a bit of a statement however. Leans into the not just a desktop anymore, this is a bit of a professional setup malarkey.

Anywho. Is good. Haven't publicly tested it yet. But did some sound tests on it. Very nice. Makes a huge difference. Fancy mics ( which I have ) make a world of difference. But. Whilst they can operate very well at a distance, you lose the warm bass of the recording. Up close. Good god. You go from normal voice, to, sexual chocolate voice. On some recordings I do properly up close. I have been told. It's. Very noticeable. Ha ha. How You Doing ? *wink*

I tried getting some more houseplants whilst in the DIY place. To no avail. None took my fancy. It seems that houseplants are a harder proposition than I imagined. Absolutely no signs of a spider plant. Ho ho. The most ubiquitous of plants and I cant find one. Ironic. I need to go to more garden places. I am itching to expand my shelf of plants. I think I am also going to give in and try a Dragon Tree in the Sunny Place. Which they don't super like. But. Eh. We can give it a go.

Again. Houseplants. How banal. But. You have to realise. When on one side there's the howling nihilistic abyss, banal is *good*. Normal. And normal is in incredibly short supply. Abnormal is the norm for me. Normal is like hens teeth. From that perspective. Houseplants are awesome.