September 6th

 Still got a bit of energy in me. How suspicious !

House is quiet with Hazel gone. Did some houseplant stuff yesterday. Wanted to get out and pick up a few pots and plants. I do this from time to time. Have a spurt of wanting plenty of green in the house. Well. When I am in a better frame of mind anyway. Hazel decided she wanted to come with me. So we did that. It was good in places. Not good in other places. Her mental state makes her.. tricky. Finding fault with everyone and everything she wandered around in a state of half mania and half snarl. She snapped at the lady behind us in the queue on the way out to step back, we're still in a pandemic. A fair point. But. Definitely didn't need to be delivered with venom. It could have been done nicely. She wasn't *that* close. Awkward. Unpleasant. I hunched my shoulders with a grimace and waited for her to lay into me for reacting like that. I dont think she noticed thankfully. She snarled at the upcoming checkout. She said she'd fight everyone here if they thought she was going to go up to the til whilst the old lady packed her things. I mean. Ok. Why such aggro ? Why are you preparing to brawl in a garden center where the median age is 60 ? Default ultra rage. I chatted happily to the checkout lady. I recognised her South African accent. From Capetown she said. Had I been ? Etc. I like finding native South Africans in the wild. Cheers me up a little. Family and all that.

Anyway. On the whole the trip to the garden center seemed to lighten Hazels mood a little. I don't know. I let her get on with her moods and rage. Any kind of comment, never mind criticism will put you front and center for an onslaught of rage. Which I can do without. Not sure what else to do with it. Not sure there is anything I can do for it. I've tried in the past. Just gets me kicked. Still trying that unrelenting positivity. I took her for a milkshake afterwards, half way around the city. Food that she wants mellows her out. I declined from having anything.

Really unenthused for work today. Super, super unenthused. Haven't been like this in... never. I idly consider just ditching IT. I am kind of sick of the bullshit personalities involved with it. Slick as shit bullshit. Reeks of Apple and their snake oil salesman twattery. The industry as a whole seems to think thats Cool, and makes you look Smart, and Capable. Hiding the utter fucknuts that comprise of most of the positions. Ho hum. Computers are cool. I like coding. The infiltration of white teeth smiled glib handed board member IT wankers and outright shit at their job but its a good wage fucknuts into IT has spoiled it badly imho. The age of empowering people, getting shit done, and sorting the chaos into order is long gone. Replaced by car salesman and idiots.

A line of stupid questions and laziness confronted me on Monday. Doesn't help my enthusiasm. Makes me sick of it. I think I really badly need a heap of time off. To process. And chill.

Still missing Ares. Thought of him this morning when feeding the girls. Fancy meat for lunch. Made me think on him hard. That he loved sniffing the can. I wander between thinking he's in a better place, not suffering, and realising it's just all shit, he is gone, there is no better place, life stopped, and given that, wouldn't he want, you want, him to take just one more breath. One more experience. To still be here. Brutal. Life is shit. The universe is uncaring. A horror show with a guaranteed awful end. Ah. Hello nihilism.

I also considered that given a choice between living a life where you believe that some afterlife exists, and shit will be ok in the end, may be irrational, non factual, stupid, deluded. But it allows you to live in hope. The alternative is to live in despair. Even if its stupid. Isn't it better to live in hope than misery ? I think that's what it comes down to in the end. Well, the rationalists say. You just need to be rational AND find hope, find something that's meaningful. That's your fly in the ointment isn't it though rationalists ? There IS no meaning. If you do find it, it's just another delusion that fogs the nihilistic horizon. You can pat yourself on the back and feel superior to sky fairy believers. But really. You're just doing the same shit. Which I don't blame anyone for. But. Live by the sword, die by the sword. If you want to be perfectly rational. Nihilism rules. There is no point. Live and die in misery. Or. Delude yourself enough to be happy. But then you're not entirely rational anymore.

Ho ho.

Sometimes I tell myself that when I die I can go hang out with Ares again, forever. That I will finally achieve peace.

A delusion.

Makes me sad all over again.

Jesus. What a gloriously fucked up place I have arrived at as an adult. Not fit for purpose.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more