31st October

 I seem to be bouncing between feeling like shit, and doing a bit better at the moment. Within a single day. Yesterday I went through 3 or so peaks and troughs. It's quite stark. And quite weird. And seems better of an evening ( at the moment ) and worse in the day.

My mind also skittered a few different "mad" directions as well. I can hardly put  my finger on it now. But one of them was the very real feeling of everything kind of connected - not in a happy clappy warm, we're all one kinda way, this was just a cold, nihilistic, all the same revolving material - nothing really mattering, and being trapped in a repeating decaying pattern with life being a pasted on shared delusion of sorts.

It wasn't an idle thought experiment. It was a bone deep in the moment thing. And I could feel my head being... yeahhh....a little.. or more than a little... unhinged.

It passed. But hmmm.

Friday as it turned out was listen to peoples problems day. I ended up spending more than 4 hours mostly listening to people vent. One of them in particular was extremely troubling. A cycle of abuse. I wont get into it, but the words used were - Dangerous. Violent. And non consensual. 

Big yikes.

And a repeated engaging in that relationship. Abused. Distance. Return. Rinse and repeat. The suggestion that they needed to get out of that was met with, initially agreement that yeah something should be done long term, but eventually, after a good deal of rationalisation about why they should still be in that situation. Pushback. No. About as classic an abusive relationship as you can get. And of course. Now I am something of the bad guy for daring to suggest that.

Ho hum.

And thus the abused isolates themselves further. I have offered whatever help they may need. But. Realistically. I don't see that situation changing. They admitted to gaslighting themselves. There is a level of awareness there. But. With a cold critical eye. They are still locked into that cycle and are desperately rationalizing putting shit off until "tomorrow" - a distant tomorrow about actually eliminating it.

People, are gonna people. We are all flawed. Some more than others.

It's hard to watch someone suffer that much. In fact. It was so heavy. I did the highly unusual thing of seeking out someone else to talk to, just to "have a normal conversation" with someone, and return a little zen. Typically I am aces at dealing with peoples troubles, burdens etc. I dont notice it. I can even thrive under it. But yeah. This was particularly heavy and alarming.

So. Put into practice that hard fought lesson. Let people make their mistakes. Choose their own path. Offer help. Offer advice if wanted - or if its terrible, then a warning regardless. But ultimately sit, and do nothing, unless they ask.

Tough.

The line between intervention and respecting a boundary is a very tough one to gauge. And something I've had to do in the past with an alcoholic. I think some of it comes down to care. If you dont give a shit. Its easier just to switch off. Eh. Fuck it. If you do care. And I care about people. Then its harder. But. Life lesson. You have to let people do, what they are going to do.

And in the end we're all fucked anyway. So sayeth the nihilist.

Other stuff came up with other people. But nothing like as heavy as that. The way people can clash heads without realising it. The things that cause instabilities in relationships. You can see it from the outside. Half the time it's about things that shouldn't matter, but in the heat of the moment seem like they really matter. I do think the pandemic has brought an enormous amount of pressure in all kinds of ways to everyone. I see it over and over again in the little "cabin fever" type moments that people relate.

Difficult.

And the last conversation. A lot of it about getting old. And the difficulties in dealing with it. But a bunch of other stuff as well. And. Meh. Rather alarmingly. Another situation of a "non consensual" event. This one was just an attempt. In their own home. But still. Very bad. And the fallout from dealing with it mentally... tricky.

Ho hum.

Anyway. Me.

It's difficult to get an upbeat schtick going on at the moment. I get dragged down feeling not super well several times a day. Which makes it hard to normalise. I am trying my best. I have been doing some "retail therapy" which is about as unlike me as it gets. Nothing extravagant. Just continuing buying small bits and pieces to make models with. It gives me a small amount of satisfaction. And I can feel dusty parts of my brain re-engaging. Which is nice. I think I've had a parcel through the door every day this week.

So I'll often intersperse a little sitting down and noodling with a model for 30 minutes or an hour in a day. Then sleep. Or do something else. The key is not to do it for too long to avoid it making me feel very ill. I am starting to think theres something about sitting down and hunching over a bit. Nausea. Hmm. Anywho.

Athena is in good spirits. But I've noticed one of her back legs skid out more than once on her lately. I think her legs are starting to get a bit wobbly. She's good still. A real 4x4 champ. But yeah. It has happened more than half a dozen times in a number of weeks. Nothing super alarming. But that back leg skids out. And she "fell" down the stairs a couple of weeks back. "Fell". Slid with grace. But it was unstoppable and not intentional. And she's knocked a few things. I think its fine. Nothing really to worry about. But I'm keeping an eye on it.

Today I get to go play a long clompy game. Forbidden Stars if you want to know. It's based on a game that I detest ( Starcraft ). Ha ha. I am hoping that it has fixed many of its forebears issues and bullshit however. We shall see. It's not about the game anyway. It's about the time spent with people.

I'll stick some pictures up when I get a chance of the things I've been noodling with.

Oh yes. Finally. I dreamed of Ares again. Hugged him again. Lots of tears and a crushing sadness. Oddly Athena did the same to me. Hugged me. She said it was ok. In my dreams, apparently my dogs can talk to me. I like to think this is the real them. Unable to talk in the real world. But perfectly communicating souls in all the other worlds. Perhaps thats where all the truly nice people go. They end up being dogs. But theyre not allowed to talk. Not allowed to tell you how to find peace and happiness. You have to figure that out yourself.