Oct 20th

 Still here.

\o/

Bumpy. Difficult. Scraping the bottom at times. But I've started to surface again. Which is.. fairly remarkable. As the day has worn on today, I have inched better and better. Still not great. But eh. Workable.

Sigh.

Holy shit on a meta level am I sick of constantly fighting for my goddamn sanity / life / whatever.

Does it get easier at some point ? Please tell me it gets easier ?

*doubt*

Took Athena to the vets today for her regular shot. The vet. Was. Not super cool.

She was surprised there were no issues with Athena. Nothing else to report ? No worries ? Concerns ?

No. She's good.

She gave her a once over, nothing really to note, vet was surprised how much "go" she still had in her. Lively. Active.

The problem was the tone.

The constant implication was, well, we're surprised she hasn't clapped out yet.

Yes. I get it. She's old.

Can we please not fucking frame it that way and just be happy that she's healthy. I don't need fucking more baggage and difficulties in thinking about impending deaths. Please. And thank you.

The vet upset me a bit. I didn't let it show.

But it was a grim vibe. Bedside manner was lacking with the Vet. Particularly fucking grim as its only relatively recently that Ares passed.

Whew.

And breathe. And breathe. And dont focus on the negative. Dont focus on the loss. Breathe.

Jesuschrist.

It took me a while to shrug off the negative vibe of the vets.

I'm tired this evening. Really tired. But. Doing a bit better.

I spoke to my friend again yesterday about starting a game business. We talked about absolute worst case scenarios. I can still live even in a worst case scenario money wise. My friend is being generous with me. He wants me to do what I want. Something that wont stress me out. I can see what he's doing. Trying to remove all the obstacles out of my way. But I'm twitchy. And scared. And struggling. But I am more and more sure as time goes by that this is what I'm gonna do. I am gonna take the leap. Quit work. Set up a business. Make games. See how that pans out. By many measures its taken far too long already to get to this point.

I am entirely unsure if this works out.

But something I realised today.

I am never going to get a better opportunity to do this than right now. This is it. There is no more perfect scenario ( perhaps having a million squid land in a suitcase on my lap ). You only get one life. And I think this is my shot. If I fail, that's ok. At least I tried. And answered that question. If I succeed. Ha. I think. That's really good.

If I don't even try. Not good.

This is highly unfamiliar territory for me.

This year. Seismic.

But I am not making firm decisions today. Or tomorrow. But soon. And I can already see the trajectory. And it goes to scary, new places.

 

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