October 12th

 A week has blitzed by.

My state is .. eh.. holding steady.. perhaps.. slightly declining. But I am fighting it tooth and nail. Not giving in. Dizziness. Prickles up my back like a thousand needles. A few waves of feeling ill. And a tinnitus stepped up in intensity. Meh.

Out at the weekend for afternoon tea. In the morning I thought I was gonna have to call it off as I felt particularly unwell. But. Gritted my teeth. And leaned into it. Fuck it. If I am gonna pass out. I will do it whilst out.

And I picked up. Albeit on getting up after tea the room span, my head was woozy and I had to take a second. It quietly grumbled in the background after that. Livable with. But not gone.

Caroline checked on me in the charity shop. You're not going to pass out are you ? No I said cheerily. I'm ok. You'll know if I am if I hit the floor. Thumbs up.

I had a nice day. Chatted with Caroline all afternoon. I have come to the conclusion she's very good for me. Things are better in her company. So now I have to consciously *not* get drawn to her. Because as it turns out, I like the sun on my face. But yeah. I am also a monster, so, heh, to the shadows ! Don't scare the normal people.

She was chuffed to bits with the book I made for her. So all good. She was very interested in how I had made it. Wanted to make her own. Uh huh. Girl after my own heart. It ignites a bit of.. raw innocent joy in me that someone wants to make one with me. Childlike. Squeee. For the record, no one ever has voluntarily wondered on my methods and asked to join in ( though I have on rare occasion twisted someones arm to do it ). I wonder if there isn't a large part of me somewhere that is utterly neglected. Decades of no attention, higher priorities, and those parts of me have withered in the dark. Not that you'd outwardly notice too much. But I can remember being a very enthusiastic tinkerer and maker of magical things. Ideas and stories and *things*. Apart from the recent crafty stuff, I can't remember when I took some joy in such things. Stuff that wasn't just a step to get somewhere better or something that needed to be done.

Perhaps it's a massive oversimplification and I am talking shit.

Always the coin flip eh.

Work. Meh. Work.

I sense I am reaching a crisis with work.

I am literally waiting for the smallest excuse to just draw a line under it all and quit.

Three balls ups / not great things last week. And then last night. Up for 3 hours until gone 2am, looking into a sudden issue that...... was of course down to some fucking hardware change that had "gone unnoticed". Wasted my life, sitting up in the small hours, whilst the perpetrators slumber happily in their beds. Problem was nothing to do with me at all. Didnt cause it. Nothing software could fix it. A change in hardware setup wasnt tested. Then Andy forgot that it had happened. And left the problem with me.

Which is a neat summary of work.

Everyone elses clusterfucks, *I* pay for it.

Everyone moves on.

Rinse and fucking repeat, no one learns any lessons.

Meanwhile schedules shift like quicksand, demands are made that clearly clash with the schedules, but eh fuck it, keep asking and extra work might be squeezed in.

Just. Head fuckery.

And I am beyond sick of it.

I was in a particularly shit mood with work at the end of last week because of the fuckups. And then first day this week. More fuckups.

Perhaps the universe is telling me something.

Or more like the dysfunctional setup has reached that point of utter complacency where I am relied upon to Do My Magic. This helps no one. No one learns harsh lessons. No one fixes their behaviour. I enable more and more sloppiness to creep in by cleaning up their shite.

It needs to change.

And I think realistically the only way it changes is if I leave. Because the pathological need to use me as a comfort blanket would mean that change could not come about unless I literally remove myself from the situation. If the business then fails, then it fails. It was not meant to be if I had to prop it up to that extent. If it limps on like a lame duck, then you have to adjust your expectations. Or maybe everyone has to put on their big boy pants, square up, and do a better job and make it work. Any which way, I am not part of any of those results.

If you think about it. Rewind the problem last night. Imagine I am *not* there. Now what do you do. Who do you ask. Yes. That's fucking right. You have to sort it out *yourself*. *gasp*. You need to take *responsibility for what you do*. Shocking. And it would take as long as it takes to fix it. Probably days, if not weeks, it not... ever. We *still* have a fucked up server that you cant connect to... never been fixed... in years... despite a few attempts. Tip. Fucking. Top. Braintrust. And not a great indication of success / failure / competence rate.

Ho hum.

We shall see what the future holds, if anything.

I am all the more aware this year, of how much *damage* the nature of that work does. It's corrosive. I have argued the point many times before. Which largely falls on deaf ears - keep doing the same shit, keep on rolling in the money for yet more cars, boats and houses.

Grind it down until it fails.

Meh.

Seems to be a pattern lately.

I am ejecting users out of my life, the people that take and take and take and are complacent and careless. Ejected.

I am not consciously doing it. It is not some grand plan - I have zero plans. But it seems like my patience and awareness for... abusive situations.. has.. changed. Or something.

Perhaps I Am just in a filthy mood and hating on everything.

I don't think so. There are plenty of people I appreciate and love. And would do anything for. I am not pissed at those people.

Hmm.

Yesterday evening - despite the emergency ongoing not of my making, but landed in my fucking lap - I went out for some games and eats. Sam cooked dinner and we bashed through a crunchy euro game. Which was good. Life affirming. Enjoyable. The opposite to work. I came home and then stayed up late wading through the epic clusterfuck sewage of work to eventually conclude, yeah, thats broken mate. And left it with my recommendation.

Cant be that says Andy in the morning. Despite that he changes it. Problem resolves. Oh he said. You were right.

Shocked.

This is my shocked face.

I fixed your shite again ?

Shocked.

Meh.

Fucking bullshit.

I am *so* pleased to once again be the shitty fucking nursemaid for Fawlty Fucking Towers Incorporated.

I asked who did it, why the process didnt test for failures etc.

It was hand waved away.

Oh it wont happen again.

But like a retarded game of whackamole, some other clusterfuck of shite will pop up. And it will be something else. Before after a while old lessons are forgotten and we end up on repeat fuckwittery cycle.

For the record it's not just me that sees this. Comments have been made in the past by others. That nothing gets written down. Lack of management over processes. Etc. And this *didn't* come from any dev either. No no.

Meh.

That quote about history haunts me again.

Those that dont know their history are doomed to repeat it. Those that do know their history are doomed to stand helplessly by watching others repeat it. I get to stand helplessly by watching the fucking clown car honk down the road. And run behind it picking up the parts it ejects and sticking them back on.

Did I say I was having a crisis about work ?

Ha ha.

Sigh.

End on something positive.

Spiderplants have roots. I can pot them out. Which is cool. Chatted to Brother. He was amenable to me bringing Athena down with me when I visit, hence no need for a babysitter for Athena anymore. Which. Is huge. Also. Very very much looking forward to crafting days with Caroline. Much excite. I have decided we should go shop in Hobbycraft first, because we both like rummaging around crafting stores. Also possibly gonna line up some more afternoon teas. Hit up the sister-in-law to come cake hunting with me. Write a review ! Stupid. But funny ? Tongue in cheek ? But useful ?