October 13th

 A bad day today.

I wrote a wall of text here. And then deleted it.

Mood flatlined. Work related and ill related I suspect. Proper hardcore depression territory.

But slightly .. slightly.. better this evening.

And we'll leave it at that.

I read a thing recently. If in childhood you were made to feel worthless, then as an adult this is normal for you. No self worth. And any change to that feels weird if not outright wrong.

Oh. Sure. That's what that is. Never good enough. School always told me that. Never good enough. Could do better. Doesn't apply himself. Eh. Fuck you. Fucking bullshit uninspired Victorian cant quite be arsed spoonfed learning. But sure. Don't look into that mirror. Just rate the students. When Offered Shit Pie The Student Refused. We Have Given The Student A Rating of Bad. Bad Student. Let Us Not Talk About Whether Shit Pies Are Good. At this point in life, with many decades of some hardcore learning behind me ( non school based ), I am pretty sure that I am very good at learning stuff. And teaching stuff. And enjoy consuming information. I am also pretty sure that school sucks major donkey balls and that absolutely its judgement on anything is at best highly questionable and at worst entirely fucked in the head.

*snip*. Deleted further ranting about schooling.

Apparently today is a self editing day.

Anywho.

Mind excercise. You can play along too if you like. Me first.

Think of yourself. Are you worthwhile. Do you count. Are you important ? Should you be helped ?

No. Not at all. Zero. Fuck that dude.

Think of someone else. Someone you like perhaps. Are they worthwhile ? Do they count ? Are they important ? Should they be helped.

Of course ! Absolutely, no doubt, they deserve to be happy and get help and be the shiny person they can be.

Pause. Examine the contrast. Yeah but. Yeah but. That's because I am lesser.

Ok.

Think of someone else. But they have your skills. Outlook. Mindset. Kindness ( or not ). Selflessness ( or not ). Do they matter ? Are they worthy ?

Oh yes. Clearly they struggle and they do deserve better and to be happy and etc.

Pause.

Interesting. You have a very fucked up perspective on the self.

Thanks.

Excercise. Try thinking of yourself in that third person way more. Learn to like yourself as that other person. See what good you do. What positive qualities you have. See what others see in you.

Uh huh. Hmmmm.

Fun stuff.

Monday. This stuck with me. I didn't write it down.

I phoned my dad. Haven't spoken to him in a few months.

The phone rang. And rang. And rang. And rang. A long time. Minutes. I didn't hang up. Eventually it went to a voicemail.

I was suddenly struck by the feeling that this was what the future held. The last one in the room. Everyone else gone. No one on the other end of the phone anymore. No parents. No siblings. All gone. Phoning a number that no longer existed, trapped in a moment of history, the present desolate.

Perhaps it was my melancholy mood.

I stuck on Telephone Line by ELO at maximum volume and sang at equally loud volume along with it. It's one of my favoured singing songs. And I love its melancholic tone and its brutally hopeless lyrics. Never fails to made me sad.

 

Good work.

Ha ha.

I like singing. It's one of my more secret vices. And I am.. I think... a pretty damn good singer. I blame my sister who had me singing Motown hits into hairbrushes from a tender age. Sometimes I think I could actually go sing. You know. Like. Properly. In front of people and stuff. And perhaps that would be a happier me. Just a daydream. One of my parallel universe me's.

End on something positive.

Do you know how hard it is to always end on positive.

Goddamn.

Something positive.

..

I'm thinking.

Weekend is nearly here ( for me ). I know thats weak. But fuck it. Been speaking to Caroline on and off. Usually cheers me up. She told me to watch Sex Education on Netflix. It's really good. Enjoying that. Think I'm almost certainly gonna get a laser cutter after all. Fuck it. I am thinking too much about how to cut shit up with it. Now I just have to justify the space, clear some stuff out, store some stuff so it doesn't make me feel awful about more clutter. I need to pick up some more research on laser cutters. I need one that can auto focus to different heights really well, and, preferably, can also cut wood.

 

 

"Okay, so no one's answering
Well, can't you just let it ring a little longer, longer, longer
Oh, I'll just sit tight
In shadows of the night
Let it ring forevermore, oh-woh"