October 15th

 Rough. Seems pretty inescapable that I've steadily got worse in the last week, and yesterday was bad. And this morning was terrible.

Ho hum. A very clear up and down cycle then. Perhaps the stress from work has exacerbated matters. It certainly coincides with the whole work dissatisfaction. Or again, perhaps chicken and egg. Perhaps lowering health, more ill, pushes patience for work out of the window. Certainly possible.

Dizzy, sick, feeling like I had been run over yesterday. I limped through work with a continual bad headache, did all my tasks, and then flaked out and went to bed at 4pm. I dozed in a malaise for an hour before some scammy phone call woke me up properly, and then I stayed up.

Came up in the evening, all round improved, better. But then. On sleeping again. Yikes. Random pains through my body. Throat kept closing, hard to swallow. My head gently span on and off in bed. Really not a good sign. And the tinnitus screeched. Wherever I lay my body would ache. Ohhh. This old chestnut. We haven't had that for a while.

In my dozing I idly cursed the health profession for their inability to find shit up with me, and yet, the results were oh so very clear to me.

Slept, dozed, fitfully. All my dreams were of being ill. Friends. Neighbours. Games. Through it all the theme of being ill.

Woke up at 6am with a groan. Diabolical. Remember what the CFS lady said. You will have ups and downs. Bad days. Ok. The ghost of MS flitted through my head again. MS pattern. Same age as when my mom started suffering with it. Ho hum. I have done all I can to explore that and gotten probably ok answers with nothing definitive. Only time will tell. And if I do have it, I am too early to get diagnosed, or rather, I am too early to get them to *bother* to diagnose it. Need more of a smoking gun and like much else NHS, to hit the floor hard and stay there before they might do something about it.

I rolled over and went back to sleep. Tired as fuck after a nights "sleep".

I have got up this morning and slowly thawed out. But it is very clear to me how fragile I am. How very not normal. I don't know how to make that better, if there is anything at all that can be done. All I can do is wait, and not push it. Rest.

Meanwhile most of my positive thoughts and plans get fast ejected. A bleak inevitability sets in instead, feeling ill, I cant think of happier things. Oof. I am learning as time goes on the effects this thing has on me. How it impacts mood. Where I am. It refines in clarity as I experience each thing over and over. I can see more clearly how much it negatively affects what I can do, my life in general.

Meh.

But. Still. Be positive. If recent history has taught me anything it is that this is a cycle. Up. Down. And this is down. It is likely to shift and come up again. And the cycles seem to be ... slowing. The frequency is shifting. But we shall see.

My day of rest today. And the suns out. I have a cloudy head, screechy tinnitus, and a vague grumbling headache that threatens to get worse. Tired. Low energy. I do not feel like doing anything. But I should. Not because of the typical fucked up Must Do Stuff Always, but because I know if I just sit and 100% rest.. it probably wont be all that restful. Sometimes it be like that. Hilariously too much rest is bad. Not enough rest is bad. Please guess the right amount of rest. Nice.

Take it slow. Warm up. Hhnnngggg. Like the rising of the undead.

End on a positive. Mmm. Oof. Did a bit of painting last night. Quite pleased with it. A little more work and I supppooosseeee I am finished. Although they are really not finished. Are they ever ? But time to put the paintbrush down. I might take some pictures today if I do any more work on them. The painting has been enjoyable. So, that's good.