October 17th

 A bit better of a day today. Good enough to stay out of bed. But the shadow of unwell haunted me all day. I could feel it, loitering. So I took it super easy. By mid afternoon I ventured up to potter around. Pot some plants. Spray paint some more minis.

I wiped out potting 5 plants.

-_-

Body ached like I had just done some intense gym session. Dizzy. Holy shit balls.

So.

Feeling a bit better.

But it has cast a very long shadow over my mentals.

I feel like I have sat down beside Death again. You have no future. Just a matter of time.

All in all, a big step back.

Some of Andys comments on Friday continue to annoy me. "We paid you as a contractor whilst you were ill, we didn't have to do that".

Well. Bless your lovely heart.

I think my longest stretch off was 3 days. I literally worked whilst I was dying. And Andy clipped my wages for one month. Couldn't afford it. For the record everyone working there gets no sick pay. Its all statutory. For an IT company. Thats pretty much unheard of bad. He's emulating the sociopath client we have / had whos now all but retired. He did the same schtick. For the record, that dude is one of the biggest assholes you're likely to meet. A real fucking budget Lord Sugar. Same kind of arrogant douchery.

And of course we wont get into the time I worked without pay for 6 months, he didn't pay me, then "settled" with me for a pittance as he would never have that money. And used my work to pay a good chunk of his debt off.

Tip top.

Anyway. Andys defence is the company cant afford it luxuries of sick pay.

So, for plans with what to do IT strategy wise Andy has suggested we go for a business meeting ( on my day off ) on his boat, in the marina.

..

I hope at this point you're either cackling with laughter or shaking your head or possibly both.

The irony.

He also on Friday tried emotionally blackmailing me. Do It For The Biz. And Another Boat For Me.

I am not happy.

Ho hum.

At the time I thought we had cleared some air on Friday, for me if nothing else. Looking back. I can see its just underlined the bullshit exploitation I deal with. I dont think Andy sees it tbh. He thinks hes the victim.

Sometimes a point comes where you cant teach people things. They'll just always have a fucked up view of something.

Eh well. We shall see. I don't think I will be busting my ass anytime soon for the Company. Those days are done.

The odd thing is, as I get ill, the less I care. If Im gonna cark it anyway, then what the fuck. Just chill and watch TV for the rest of my days. Do lunch. Fuck it. And, also, being ill, tends to release me from my Must Do attitude. Because it pushes me to a point where I cant think of anything outside of being ill, so, stuff like work becomes some weird abstract life thing that doesnt make any sense. Funny how mortality sharpens your view on the pointless shit ( oh but its not pointless you need money and blah and yada. uh huh . )

Anywho.

End on a positive. Put the shopping away. Potted some plants. Painted some minis. Didnt feel totally shit today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better still ?

I no longer give a flying fuck about work.

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