October 18th

 Physically a bit better today. Not great. But alright.

Mentally.

A lot of numbness. A few points of normality.

A lot of down.

A few skates around and through properly crazy.

I've started scratching at the borders of reality again. I can feel myself disassociating. My kitchen earlier felt so surreal. Like. Nothing was properly there. It was all an illusion. A fake. Some weird simulation that didn't quite work. It was obvious. So. Unreal. How. Do I escape ? Let me out. I am not enjoying it here anymore. I looked down the length of my house. So odd. So disconnected. A fake. A fake where all the people live. But I don't. Someone else would come live in this house. I would be out of phase, like a ghost.

Weird thoughts and tangents spin off out of my head. Like walking behind stage at a theatre. I am trapped. I can't escape that physically I am limping along. And mentally already fucked, I am now double fucked. Everything just seems to be a stall for time. Why. Why. Why. I can see that people try. But it doesn't stick. Snowflakes in hell.

Ultimately. I am on my own. In my own purgatory. Waiting to move on.

Not a good place. I've crossed that line, no longer walking along the edge of the abyss, but starting to explore its depths. Absolute madness lies within the dark and crushing nihilism to just want to cease to be.

There's a bit of me that can see how fucked up I am. The slippery paths of non typical neuro shit going on. The bulk of me. The bits that matter and feel. Are lost to it.

It's the brushes with constantly being ill. Of my head always spinning today. Screechy tinnitus. It makes dealing with any mentalry twice as hard. And it was hard already.

Today. Was a bad day. Tomorrow, might be better.

I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok.

I can feel myself withdrawing hardcore. I turned down an offer for a drink and the cinema. No. Leave me alone. To crawl into the dark in peace.

It has crossed my mind there is a shitty self destructive scream for annihilation in there. Come on then. Lets go all the away. Push it all away. Lets see how much damage it does. I can disappear.

Sigh.

But not today. Not yet.

Today I am alive. Tomorrow may be a better day.

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