October 24th

 Bzzzzt.

*signal*

Bzzzt.

Like a crackly radio with its tuning coming in and out of focus, that's been my state the last few days. Ok we can do some stuff followed by, mmmemeeehhhh. But. Better overall that I have been in the last few weeks. If you average it out. Squint.

Ho hum.

This weekend I have gone back to sleeping quite a bit. Flaked out mid afternoon on Friday. Slept. And on Saturday. And today, Sunday. Sleeping anything from a quick one - an hour - to an extended one - 3.5 hours. My life slips away in sleep. Could be worse.

Headaches all day today, growling around the front of my head, sometimes really *weird* headaches, which, I'm hard pressed to explain.

Sigh. Oh God.

Been struggling to do "Nice Things". Work on some miniatures. Work on some art. Noodle around. Hard. Do it for a bit, get wiped out. Rinse and repeat. Feel.. a malaise creeping across a lot of what I am doing. I grit my teeth and do it. I have realised that the pattern often seems to be at the moment of doing shit *despite* how I am feeling, where once upon a time, it would just be doing shit, and if I felt bad I would stop. Now I just do shit even though I'm feeling bad. And when it gets too bad, I stop.

Ho hum.

On a more positive note, I am not feeling anywhere near as ill as I was, and my mental state has steadily improved, so, eh, yeah, better, not good, suffering, but eh, better. Meh. I kinda desperately reach around trying to find some Secret Thing That I Hadn't Yet Realised which will make me feel better. Surely. Just. Don't eat this. Or eat that. Or do this at X time. Sit up. Sit down. Sleep. Don't sleep. It doesn't matter. It will do what it does. Much to my dismay. A bit of my brain wont let it go though. We just have to find .. the right pattern ! And it will go away !

Ever the optimist.

If it is CFS. Then fuck CFS. If it is FND. Then fuck that too.

Again, I suppose it could be worse.

I flicked through my pictures of Ares today. Had a cry. My best friend is still gone. And I miss him terribly. I would do anything to have him back. Still carrying that weight. Always will.

Sigh.

Watched Dune. Which everyone is raving about. I'm quite a big Dune fan. Let me rephrase that. I know all the characters, terms, history, I sometimes quote bits of the mythos to myself and speaking some of the garbled made up language. Shaiiii Huluuuud ! Bless the maker and his water.

So yeah, quite a fan of Dune.

Unlike most of the reviews, I thought the film was shit.

Pacing terrible, acting an unengaging unemotional horror, dreary, non gripping. A waste of time and money all round.

I winced through some of the scenes. Nooooo. No. This is how you're doing this ? Well shit. Boo.

Forgetting the background, I just cannot see how anyone gives this a thumbs up. The acting is dire. The story that they cover is molasses slow and just not very engaging. And takes its time doing that. Ha ha. I think ( unlike in 1984 ) the expectation and heritage of Dune itself is causing people to lavish praise on it. Which is unwarranted. Emperors new clothes.

The whole Dune mythos is a bit of a funny beast I find. It has some really lovely bits in it, some awesome world building and ideas. It's also studded with lots of faff and yawn in places. It arguably doesn't deserve the high vaunted place some have put it into. It is what it is. Old school sci fi with some really nice bits, and a lot of just downright meh bits.

At this point though, it's starting to become one of those "cool to be into it" things. Much like Lord of the Rings became ( although that, imho, is a farrrrr finer piece of writing and arguably with a well deserved reputation, but still, go back 40 years, Lord of the Rings is a laughable concept mainstream ).

Eh well.

End on a positive.

Noodling around with some art. Scratch building some minis. Its been fun. Looking forward to painting some stuff. If I can just get past the feeling of illness that dogs me. But eh. Be positive. Its been cool to exercise my scratch building, even if its to a really tiny extent. I really do love scratch building shit.

Onwards and Upwards !

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more