October 28th

 Feeling kinda better all round. But tired as hell. Fatigue kicking in.

Can't be arsed with work. I've definitely lost my mojo for it. Achieved a fair bit this week one way or another with work, but eh, yeah, my mind is elsewhere, and work has become a chore. I don't feel part of it.

I've got a meeting scheduled with Andy next week to talk about strategic stuff. I have it in my mind to just level with him about the wrongs I think are going on. Some brutal truths. It will be pretty critical of him. He's a good guy in many ways. And in some ways, not so much. I am honestly not sure what the outcome of it all will be. I can imagine me just walking away at that point. It depends how he reacts. Perhaps unfairly, if he doesnt admit to the fairly obvious at this point shenanigans, I will just put that down as blatant disregard for the truth, and I think my mind will finally be very sure of just walking away. No qualms. Ok. 

I suppose, as sometimes I do, I give people enough rope to hang themselves with. And then see what they do. Always, there is a choice. Black. White. Good. Bad. Generous. Or greed. Honesty. Or lie. Sometimes I can be quite firm with people that I see jump the wrong way at the wrong time. The mistake people often make, is that I can't see what they do, or who they are. Don't mistake inaction for ignorance. Sometimes the best thing you can do is observe and wait. And watch the hole dig deeper. I am very forgiving and understanding of people, we all have flaws, none of us are perfect. But eh. A prolonged pattern of behaviour - particularly when people dont think anyone can see or know - is a different story.

We shall see.

Or perhaps on the day I wont be arsed. Just be zen. The noise and nonsense of the physical world. Stupid.

Did I say I'm tired.

I'm goddamn tired. Bone deep weariness.

I had to tell a friend today that I lost Ares.

I cant get it out without it severely upsetting me. And reliving that last huff of breath. Holy fucking shit.

As I've said before. I don't think I'm really cut out for this world. Too much hurt.

Anywho.

End on a positive.

My creative juices are flowing. I've been coming up with all sorts of world building and game ideas. I've been slowly pottering around scratch building, and sourcing bits and pieces of modelling tat to aid in my builds. I am actually finding some small enjoyment from mooching around the internet trying to find impossible to locate rare pieces and items so I can build shit with them. There is something calmly satisfying about it. It feels a bit like being a kid again. I get tired. And ill if I push even a little too hard with it. But. Eh. I am enjoying it where I can. I wish I had a nice empty clean workspace tbh, but, sorting shit out at the moment is beyond my capabilities. Flopping into a chair is often the best I can do.

Jeez.

Still. Cool things.