October 4th

Sunday late afternoon.

A familiar fatigue tug started to pull on me. Woop woop. Slow down.

I have been busy being.. busy. Visiting people. Popping out to pick things up for people. And haven't really paid the price.

Until yesterday. Ish.

So I slowed down.

Tinnitus screeched up. A new industrial edge to its screeching, like metal being tortured. Oh good. A feeling of dizzy crept up on me. And tick by tock, my mood subdued.

Today was a rough start, but I got over it. All in all I had a good weekend. A good few weeks. Today, I have wobbled. Tired. Black eyes. A weird stuffed ear that screeches and my balance is off. Perhaps this is part of my new normal - some kind of ear, head, thinger that comes and goes.

I decided. To post a bunch of Ares pictures and videos. From everywhere I could find. Stick them on facebook so they would be somewhere else than a phone that suddenly went tits up.

Turns out, I have an epic amount of them. Stretching far far back.

I was not prepared for how sad it made me. It pushed me all the way down into sobbing howls. Yikes. I could only do so many before going off the rails. And again. And again. Holy. Fucking. Shit. Brutally powerful. Drags it back into focus, how much I miss him, what I lost. His happy wagging tail and ever expectant whatcha doing face. And the happy cuddly love is so obvious in some of those videos. Holy. Shit. Part of me has absolutely gone with Ares. A chunk of me has left the building.

But. Fate. Is really fucking me about this year.

As I cried my eyes out the first time, my phone rang. Within a minute of me howling. Chiropracter. Expecting me. No ? The appointment isnt for another hour ? My stomach hurt like it had been kicked, nose was bunged up, incredibly sad, on the phone to the chiro. Can you come in now the chiro said.

Sure.

I got myself ready, crying as I went. A fucking hilarious state. What. Is. Going. On. I asked myself. What, the fuck, is going on. A sob punctuating each half gulped sentence.

For the second time fate had intervened when I was epically screamingly miserable over Ares. On the day I lost him my dad had turned up, unannounced, unexpected, first time in years.

And today. Random phone call. Asking me to come in.

Perhaps someone or something is looking out for me a bit. I don't know. It's very weird.

I feel like a pinball being bounced down a table. No control. Just. Ping. Ping. Bounce.

In many ways. I shoulda gone with Ares. Do us both doc. We can cuddle on the way out. One last sigh each. One. Last. Huff of breath.




Nothing positive to end on today.

Only the pain of sadness and too long a life lived.

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