October 5th
Tired today. I ended up having a nap late afternoon yesterday, then midday today. I'm ok, but definitely off the peak of feeling better. But not terrible. Tinnitus continues to have fun times. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Jesus.
One of the things that really reminds me of this year, is that often now when I wake up, I am waking up from the depths of the ocean. Very *very* sluggish. And fuzzy. Head full of mud. And don't feel super good. It's very much tied in with the fatigue - I couldn't entirely tell you why, beyond there being a whole host of similar feelings and tugs, but at different intensity levels. Like many things with me, I am at a bit of loss as to why this is. Lack of oxygen ? Sleeping shit ? Who knows. It could also explain the blacked up eyes. But whatever it is, I am firmly off the medical industrys capability to deal with me. A big fat mystery that hand waves over oooh eee oooh ghosts in your blood, chronic fatigue syndrome, probably viral related.
Pass me the voodoo bones.
I don't really buy it to be honest. I am pretty sure if you sat down and properly studied it, they could make progress. With stuff. With me. But it comes down to money. And time. And being bothered. And motivation to do more than the minimum. And all that other shit that means corners are cut, compromises are made, and eh, just because we could, doesn't mean we are gonna.
So it goes.
Less miserable today. Although every time I catch a glimpse of an Ares picture, I can feel it tugging at me.
I think I am slowly beginning to see my life come into focus.
I am in a weird place and shit is changing.
I worked out my money yesterday when talking to my brother. In extreme circumstances. I could retire today. Now. Done. Dusted. And have money until ooh, 91, 92 ? I'll be lucky if I make 50 at this rate:p
But that would be pretty extreme. I wouldn't cut out any luxuries ( "luxuries" I kinda live like a monk ), but, it would certainly pin me down forever. Is that bad ? Not really.
So. As time goes on. Money is becoming less and less important to me. If it was ever important at all ( not really, beyond survival ).
My friend and I spitballed starting a gaming company. A proper one. Finally. With concrete plans. It's been about 30 years in the making. But I can see that now, for perhaps the first time, all the stars are aligning. And I find that quite.... exciting ?
It has also opened up a very real hole between me and "work". I can feel my patience level has just dropped. Putting up with shit.Yeah. No. Tell me again why I am doing all this hard work and picking up all the shit time after time ? For wages ! Yeah. Thats it. And I can get them... in easier places.
Eh. Who knows. It's not there yet. These things - with me - take time. Time to percolate. Time to background think on. It's ok not to know. To be "thinking things through". I think it's an underestimated thing. Give yourself time to breathe and think. Even if its months. Or years. Shit happens at its own pace. Of course. This is absolute blasphemy to the go go go, deadline, bullshit, I worked 90 hours this week fucked up capitalist asshat world.
You can tell I am a fan of that.
One day at a time Johnny. Enjoy the time I have left with Athena.
Change of topic.
So I've been talking about this.. ooh... since before Biden got in.
But I'm pretty sure about it now.
America is going autocrat fucked up hell hole in 2024. Or at least, the main bits will be put in place in 2024. And then within 10 years of that. Yikes. An absolute parallel to Hitler in 1936.
The signs have been there for sometime. But now. It's just getting blatant.
Steve Bannon, part architect of the Trump horror has started saying that "they have to deconstruct the state", and that "20,000 shock troops" should stand ready to do that. I am not sure how much more clearly you want that 1936 parallel spelled out. Perhaps calling them Sturmtruppen instead ?
Eh. Bannon is not Trump. Bannon has a brain, and has influence beyond brain dead confederate fucknubs. He's recently back from some GOP event where he urged people to actually stand up and start kicking. Organising his little storm trooper divisions.
You can start to wargame it from this point. It's not difficult to see that a US that gets plunged into some locked in ultra "patriotic", racist, bible thumping right wing bullshit that *likes* autocrats elsewhere would embolden the likes of say Putin. Who would take the opportunity to get back some of the more choice bits of the USSR. Remember that Putin has publicly stated he thinks the break up of the USSR was a mistake, a backwards step. Europe left on its own to do what it does best - argue into its navel whilst engaging in 7 course dinners - and with pea shooters and paper hats for an army will do nothing as the East gets gobbled. Certainly Germany - highly keen on its very expensive Nordstream pipeline to supply gas from Russia to Germany would not ruffle too many feathers so that its industry could continue to suck on Russian gas. The UK, with fraught relationships with Europe will probably take the opportunity to finally say fuck it, and withdraw from Europe entirely - the last bit of cooperation, the military.
Taiwan always in shit streets with China finally has the trigger pulled on it, China invades no more Taiwan. China takes over 90% of the worlds semi conductor manufacturing. Japan militarises heavily in response to Chinese aggression. South East Asia becomes a Chinese protectorate in everything but name. Empire making for the 21st century.
And who knows what happens to South Korea without US support, a hostile China, no allies, and a crazy butthole in the North.
I think in this scenario, the US pulls in its horns, becomes a very bigoted country, enables other assholes around the world and kicks off a bit of an authoritarian century. Where it goes from there...probably not good places given the amount of populace control the modern tech era can give you if you aren't too squeamish about privacy or freedom. You can also bet your ass that a lot of silicon valley types will blow with the wind and double down on support for the new world Orwellian setup. Can you imagine Apple with actual *licence* to be assholes ? They would trip over on their haste to sign up !
Probably a status quo then kicks in. Pockets of.. less assholish countries. And a majority of autocrats, dictators or the like. Europe would shrink back to its cold war size.
I'd give you better than even odds of that all happening. And it all starts, with 2024. Unless. The democrats win. And actually *do something* about the crazy being planned. I doubt that will happen however. But who knows. If push comes to shove it could even kick off a US civil war in 2024. Ugly. If your choice is between fighting and having a libtard in control, or vice versa, fighting and having your country turn fascist. Eh. I'd bank money on the fighting.
End on a positive.
Today I learned I could propogate dragon trees fairly easily. Ooh. This is cool. I've only just got a new one, so I wont be doing that yet. But still. If I had known that, I would have propogated my old one.
Did a spot of painting last night. Nothing too fancy. Dithering at the edges with some space dudes. But it was soothing.
The idea of getting a laser cutter is really tormenting me now. I really want to do another book, this time with indentations. And to do that, I need a laser cutter.
But the space. The money. The clutter.
It's the space and the clutter that stop me to be honest.
So of course. I have started daydreaming about, ooh, I could make a proper crafting summer house down the bottom of the garden. Yes. Very cool !
But then, I wanted to move, no ?
Hmm.
The internal argument goes on.
There is. A glimpse. In that twinkling. Of a future that sees me doing all sorts of crafty shit. Possibly selling a few things. And making games for a living as a job. And perhaps finally. Getting to where I should belong. And. Happy ?
Not sure. Could just be bullshit. That's it. Give in to the cynicism ! Heheh.
But you may ask. What kind of games would I make to pass the political thought committee in 19th century racist confederate type of world. Down with democracy for all. Up with democracy for your betters. Long on propaganda. Short on acceptance. Silent on equal rights.
Well. There's always pacman.
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