13th November

 I think maybe this blog should come with a warning. A heads up. Something.

The stuff in here is dark and twisty. Upsetting. At times I wander around the halls of crazy but communicative ( at the very least I have to .. sort of.. be able to type to drop stuff here, which is probably a good thing, if I am far gone, you can't hear me babbling ), which, eh, hmm. It can affect people.

This blog is cathartic for me. Started as a desperate way for me even in a tiny, shitty way, to stop climbing the walls in the midst of an absolute bonkers level bad period. And carried on as a way for me to dump most if not all the thoughts I have, safe away from expectations of stiff upper lips, too much information, or just negativity parades. I get it. There is something of a social contract there to put on a happy face.

Which of course. If you're any kind of experienced human. You know can be tiring in and of itself.

So. This is a bit like the room I get to scream into. Or at least, shove all those things that live in my head out of the door. To get a bit of fresh air. Take a walk. You might like it outside. Now leave me alone for 10 minutes to do the washing. Like unruly kids.

The blog is not meant to be a focus on negativity. It's just me. And this is where I live.

So. Yeah. Here be dragons.

That being said.

Inexplicably yesterday I had a better day. Energy levels crept up, malaise went down. I felt... at least ballpark ish normal. Which is amazing. I don't know why. I had a lie in. Or a fucked up disturbed lie in. I didn't push it. I rested a lot. And I felt alright. I really don't know. I am pretty sure at this point that although the whole rest thing is important, there is something else in there that sets the tune. Because I have had periods of rest and periods of... less rest... and there isn't a clear pattern where I always crash out after non rest. Sure, sometimes it works that way. And fucking around when you're not feeling good is a sure fire way to crash. But something *else* is causing the Not Feel Good thing. Something is constantly going wrong in me. And *that* is causing any number of side effects and fuckups throughout me. As to what that source is. Uh huh.

Are you theorising again Johnny. Stop it.

Random note to self. Porridge with water *sucks*. My own fault for running out of milk. But eh. I am in one of those moods. Can't be bothered to do the groceries. Just. Wittle down to zero. Heh.

Despite feeling better yesterday my tinnitus was up to shenanigans. Blasts of major tone changes, and, a number of bouts of it also raging in my other ear. The tone changes tend to follow a pattern. They rage up, stay around for anything between 5 seconds and a minute, slowly dissipating. It's a bit like tuning a radio. In fact. It's *very much like* those effects you get on the TV or in games where they simulate a loud bang and you get that ringing effect to give the whole "ringing in ears" malarkey. Except it doesn't go back to normal. It's just. One ringing, for another different ringing. Uh huh.

Work has been quiet this week. Stuff to do. But Andy has put a cork in it. Which is typically better. He's been bouncing around like an anxiety monkey in the last few months from one priority switch just had a phone call to the next. One of his Achilles Heels. Perhaps thats why I feel a bit better ? If that is true, and I have serious doubts, then stress and the like is having a major major impact on my physical health. Which is. Amazing. And I can't quite believe it. Possible I guess. Need more data.

End on a positive.

Well. That's easier today. I am chilling out. Nothing planned. Noodling around. I've done some painting. Will probably play some games. Took the Athena out for a nice longer walk yesterday. She's lovely. Such a good mutt. They've taken the cows out of the field for winter, so, no cows to interact with. We watched one young bull follow a dude around the field the other day. He became.. somewhat alarmed. Me and Athena just stopped and watched. Calm. He came over to us. "That one is a bit too bull !" he said. Huh I said, we've been ok with them. Me and Athena proceeded to walk past the cow. All calm. Heh. It's amazing how well you can train / acclimatise dogs. They really do adapt phenomenally well ( better than people in many respects ). And Athena is a smart arse. Which I love about her. Clever clever. Not so wise. But clever. Not a terrible way to be. I think Athena in many ways is peak existence. Always happy. Enjoys everything. Smart enough to work things out. Not smart enough to stare into the existential abyss. Gets to sleep, play and run around to her own schedule. Eh. Just the short life span. Otherwise. Peak existence, imho. A dog's life indeed. Lucky girl. I wouldn't have it any other way. As a friend of mine once said, possibly the highest complement is the fact that they would love to live the life that my dogs do - "you take excellent care of them and are caring". Ha. Yeah. I'd like that too.

Treat others as you yourself want to be treated. Rule of thumb. No ? Something a lot of people forget or don't want to know. Boo to them.

Oh. Have some pictures. I am not 100% happy with the paint job here. Experimenting. But ehh it will do. These are heavily modded and kit bashed. Unique. Nice. The bases are made out of scrap. Bits of cardboard box the various bits came in. Some sprue. Some foam packaging the.. bits came out of. And a 2 pence piece on the bottom. Ha ha. You can do wonders with a few bits of crap.