14th November

 Up and down today in all aspects. Health spluttering between eh not too bad, and jeez I need to lie down.

Mood. Eh.

I'm gonna repeat myself here.

I'm sorry.

I thought a lot today about Ares.

How much I miss him. Where that lovely cuddly boy went.

I have had no great epiphany in the months since his loss. No great understanding and acceptance of the wonderfulness of life.

I still cannot understand it. I caught myself in the car shaking my head in.. just.. a reflex reaction. No, no, no, nonononono. An absolute crazy rollercoaster of emotions, loss, grief, emptiness, pointlessness, love, being lost, the cruelty of the universe. I still do not understand how something so amazing, so innocent, so good, sparked into being, was here for a short time, and now is gone forever.

It is horrific.

I felt in my bones his last huff of breath again. That one, last, sigh. Quintessentially Ares. There. Huff. Gone.

I cannot imagine a worse thing.

All pointless.

It made me spin out into everything. All of us. Here. Then gone. All rapidly disappearing into the past. Even the greatest of us turning to ashes, our memories fading into nothing.

What is the point. What's the point of all the suffering.

There isn't one. It's just an unfortunate happenstance of evolution. No happy ending.

At times I can forget. Potter around. As if it's ok. Ignoring the 500lb gorilla in the room. Looming over everything.

I have no answers. Just. Pretend. One foot in front of another. Pretend hard enough and you can .. sort of.. forget.. and just... live for the silly moment.

Sigh.

Fuck me. Why am I like this. Looking too far, too deep for too long. Meh. It's a rhetorical question. I know why. It is a simple progression from A to B to C. Solving one problem at a time. Reaching a little bit further for the next problem.

Anywho.

Cheery. The nihilism is not there, the nihilism is not there, the abyss isn't real, the void wont come for us all. It's all good. What's on TV. What's for dinner. That's a good meme.

The worst horror story is reality. Not some dufus gory slasher film.

end.

on.

a.

positive.

I noodled making some bases today. Making masters. Casting them into molds. We shall see how it goes. Made some mistakes. A lot of mistakes. But that's ok. Learned a lot. Was just winging it as I do. Every failure teaches you something. 

Roll on 30th November.

Let me embrace oblivion, even if it's just for a while. But secretly. I kinda wish I just go on the 30th November. I really do. I am eager for it. Race run. An acceptable way to check out. No more misery. No more struggling. Back to the mud. If it's there. If I get a choice. I will go. And not come back. Depends what I find in the black I guess. Nothing, probably. But I am not going to fight. I will sink, and see how far I go. If something wants me back they will have to drag me out. Lets do this.

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