18th November

Badly dizzy. All day. Multi days. Sleep is worse. Head full of helium and sometimes thinking or talking is very hard. Gets even worse when I stand. Friend mentioned it sounded like blood pressure. Checked it. 118/76. Bang on the money. Stood up. 110/78. *shrug*

Feels grim.

Tingles in hands. Left side of face faintly tingling.

Slept 15 hours yesterday in bed by 6.15pm, no tv. Up at 9.20am.

Dreams were mostly nice for once.

But something weird was going on internally. Not sure what. Like my heart kept skipping or something.

Got to admit a sense of dread has come over me. I am ever more convinced 30th November is not gonna see me come out of general - or that I Wont even make it to 30th November. My head is too fucked up already.

Still not going to tell them.

My closest shot to euthanasia. And if not. It fixes a problem I've had for years. I don't want either of those things jeopardised.

Knowing that Ares is gone makes this easier. Athena will be ok. My brother will take care of her. And. She's an old gal anyway. All on our last legs perhaps.

It's ok.

It's not like I didn't know this was a possibility, or even a likelihood. Just a case of waiting for everyone else to catch up with that reality, medical people included. Story of my life. Waiting for everyone else to catch up with what I already know.

Maybe it will pass. Another bad turn.

Maybe it wont.

Gonna do my best this time to go down silently. No cries for help. Just sink.

No positives today. Just survival. Such as it is.

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