19th November

 Somewhat improved. The dizziness has gone down a notch. Still have a helium head. A weird quasi headache rolled around and flitted in and out of existence most of yesterday. Ouch.... gone.... ouch.... mud.. mud... gone.

Hmm.

Left ear started aching again.

I wonder if I am continually picking up ear infections ? Before last year... I don't think I ever really had an ear infection. Now. Not so sure. Certainly had more bouts than I can remember of pain in left ear and dizzy and yada.

Siiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggghhhh.

Just the continuing theme of the orchestra playing way out of tune. Let me laundry list you the ways in which my body is a walking fucking car crash.

Still. Feeling a little better. Not quite so close to the plughole. Yay ? But still pretty meh.

Had my pre-surgery nurse appointment today. Which has gone ok. A few pokes around the chest pains, asthma, depression, anxiety and yada. They called super early, I wasn't expecting the call til 2pm. 10am phone goes, which, luckily I got to ( a miracle ). They wanted to reschedule the appointment, could I do it earlier. Of course. Anytime you like, whatever suits you best. Oh. Well. Now ? Sure, now is fine. Oh thank you very much !

Well. No. Thank you !

They must get a lot of shit from people.

The NHS blows, is a mess of confusion and bullshit and yada. But there's always that contrast. There's a good number of very nice and caring people in there that struggle with difficult jobs. There's also a bunch of wasters, can't be arseds and sociopaths.

As I've said before, given the NHS is the size it is, it probably stands to reason you can find an example of every kind of person within it. From asshole to saint. And it's very.. weird to try and rate them overall, as some experiences are stellar, and some are beyond abysmal, even life threatening.

Still. Good people and all. Assholes tend not to get as much tolerance as they do in the NHS I think where at times they seem to positively thrive. Needs more kicking.

I Wonder if ironically the nicer people that are struggling, are in part struggling because their shitty colleagues ( and or systems ) are doing them a disservice and making their jobs harder precisely *because* there isn't as much oversight as there should be.

There are important lessons here from business - where it's freely acknowledged that not dealing with problem employees can cause a massive impact on the rest of the workforce and the business itself. It leads to no confidence in leadership, a cynicism that you can behave like a dick and get away with it, that you dont have to do a good job, and upsets expectations that if you do good youre rewarded and vice versa. In short, absolutely toxic. And it's not uncommon for weak managers to bury their head in the same and pretend like things aren't a problem. Which then leads to massive problems.

Anywho. I digress.

So I've been told I need to be accompanied home. This is something of a surprise. I was just gonna solo it. The hospital has nixxed that plan. I *need* to be accompanied. I also *need* to have someone babysit me for 24 hours after.

Eh. Hmm. I have options. But none I am super happy about. Not entirely sure what to do. I will think on it a few days. I think worst case I will have to drag my brother down for a day, which I am loathe to do as I would absolutely hate to put him out. I know. Yada blah. But. It's important to me to tread very lightly. I don't like making people do shit for me.

Heh.

I could also just... skip it. Get someone to drive me home. But. Fuck the 24 hour babysitting. If he dies, he dies ! I mean what do I care really anyway.

That's the spirit ! Ho ho.

See. I have my humour back again today. I must be feeling better.

Free day today. Rest ? Try and tidy up the bomb site of a house ? ( Its suffered a bit where I have been struggling wellness wise again ). Noodle ? Game ?

I should tidy really. Bit of an epic uphill struggle however.

Ho well.

In other news. Athena continues to be the perfect smart dog. I posted my CFS diary off to the CFS people yesterday - hugely late, also a struggle to complete - and I took Athena with me to the postbox. She's been so good lately, I didn't put her on a lead - plus tbh I was.. not exactly entirely in the material plane yesterday. Head in the helium clouds. So we just went. Good as gold. Listening ears on. Happy girl. Still a boxer. Still curious. Still wants to sniff every other garden. But listens. And behaves. Best dog ever. She then also followed me around the car, into the road, knew she was in the road so stuck to me, "helped" me sort the driver side seat out, then we both went back in. Heh.

If you want a best mate that's always there even with the most mundane of tasks, and makes everything just a bit more smiley, fun and stupid, then, you need a good dog.

The world is a shit ton more miserable without one. Athena pulls me out of myself and lets me see the world at times through her eyes. Where even just noodling in a car is funny and interesting. She makes me laugh in a good carefree way.

Dogs are too good for us. Beautiful souls. They outshine us so much it's embarassing.