23rd November

 Lacking some sleep. Didn't eat properly today. Didn't drink properly today. Felt ok, until suddenly I didn't.

One heartbeat to the next. Sudden nausea, tinnitus spikes, dizziness. Feel. Like. Shit.

Sigh.

But, not so bad a day today.

This evening. I fell down an Ares shaped hole.

What. Started it ? Oh. Yes. The anaesthetic. Propofol. It's what I'll likely get on 30th November.

It's also what they put Ares to sleep with.

And it replayed in my head.

His walk over to me. Bopped his head gently against mine, forehead to forehead as we had done forever. He wagged his tail once, then lay down. I'm going in says the vet, the statement a question. I nodded. He took that final huff of breath. And was gone.

He trusted me utterly. He trusted me. And I put him to sleep.

That wound opens again.

I betrayed my best friend.

There is no forgiveness.

He trusted me. That sweet boy.

I could not fix him.

I switch off. Numb. Staring blankly at.. I dont know what. Cant remember. Just. Nothing. Tears on my face. Stomach twisted in a knot. Brain empty.

I blink and come up. Ebbs and flows.

I do not know, what to do.

The world still turns, things go on, but I got off the bus. And the world spirals further away from me as it continues on.

I realise that the me that was me.. has died. So much of me has died this year. I am different to who I was a year ago. Different. Lesser. Less of me. Part of me went at the start of the year. A big part of me went with Ares. Athena will take another chunk. Maybe the last real bit.

Just. Finish. Already. Please. I don't want to play anymore.

A bad day, I suppose. Tomorrow will be a better day.

30th November. We shall see. Let me go.

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