25th November

 Better day yesterday. Played some games. Alright day today. No sudden mood drops.

Have done some nice work this week - and ignored distractions - culminating in a meeting with one of our clients.  Which was useful. And good. It was really good to directly help a client again, cut out all the chaff, and just get down to brass tacks. And when they get hold of me, they have a bunch of extra sneaky things they "just want to bring up whilst you're here".

But. I was watching it all through the eyes of someone who will be gone soon, one way or the other.

It was pretty shocking. I was relied upon heavily. For the past knowledge. For the future direction. For steering people. Not just the technical, hey, this is a SQL box, and it does database things and goes whoosh.

I cannot see how they will cope easily when I go. If at all.

My friend has it that they will cope. They will be fine. I will leave a hole, but somehow, someway it will get filled. Maybe not the same way. But it will get filled.

For sure I understand no one is irreplaceable. Although. That being said. That shit goes down a lot easier in a big corp with many multi bodies. A small outfit with the knowledge all concentrated in one place. Mm. Not quite so easy breezy.

I told my friend I felt slightly bad about it. They clearly really needed me.

My friend was at pains to say that life would go on.

Uh huh.

I am not wavering in my decision. Not at all. It's just. Really apparent. On a day like today. How much walks out the door with me.

Of course, work was queued up, this week, next week, done for December. Etc.

Sigh.

I left it til later in the afternoon to remind Andy that I was in fact in surgery next week.

What day, what time. I could feel him working out how many hours around the surgery he could squeeze in.

On the plus side he offered me a place to stay, I could be looked after, or he would come up and stay with me for a day. A very nice offer.

But I'm disconnected at this point. It seems the greater part of me has already left.

Andy was somewhat alarmed about my lack of help. Or people staying with me. Did I need help. Are you sure. No. All good. I'm fine.

I am zen with it. Because I truly don't care about the consequences. It's probably going to be fine. And if it isn't - I don't care.

I got a sense of euphoria about it early this evening. Happy. About the thought of my journey possibly nearing its end. Finally. Hey I might not make it. And it made me....*happy*. A weight. Lifted.

That doesn't say good things about where I am.

But I've not told a lot of people that. And I've stopped telling people that. I am just internally contented about it.

A few who know mistake my position as being anxious about surgery. About thinking the worst. They miss the point. I am not anxious about it. I am looking forward to it, and I am not worrying about the worst case, I am very very ok with the worst case.

Perverse. I know. Which is why I think people struggle with it. Does not compute. You must just be worried.

OK.

Dizzy again this evening. My dizziness was gone for all of a handful of days before making a reappearance. I'm very tired. So. Maybe it's that.

The Bullshit is a constant reminder that things are not ok. And that looking forward to not waking up on the 30th November isn't as crazy perverse as might be thought. An end to The Bullshit. And everything else. It's not terrible.

Haven't written anything down yet. For the unlikely posthumous reading. Of all things, I kinda think that stuff is important. I don't know.

Dear People, it's ok. I didn't like life anyway. The end.

But eh, when do I ever get off that lightly. I am sure life has more fuckery for me yet. Or perhaps it's just about to get sweet. Amazing. Awesome.

Real talk. I can feel how off my internals are. The usual misfiring spark plugs. I can't figure out if it will have an effect on surgery / my recovery or not. It's conceivable I am going into a situation in a really shit state... that they are unaware of. Depends. On what interferes with what.

There is, a horrible poetic dark comedy about it all. If it were my final hours. I would spend them bare ass naked in a shitty hospital "gown" waiting for hours in a dreary miserable waiting room, with nothing to do but stare at the bare walls. What a damp squib of an exit. Ha ha. About right though. A parallel for the disappointment of the life experience.

No positives today. Not in the mood.