27th November

 Had my Covid swab malarkey thing today. They also tested me for MRSA. A standard for surgery. And am now officially isolating.

I've struggled the last couple of days. I spent most of yesterday in bed. Felt increasingly unwell on Thursday evening after saying it wasn't too bad. Low level nausea, dizzy - again - all night, I could feel it in my sleep and it punctured my dreams.

Fatigue weighs me down, my asthma keeps spiking at random, and the dizzies and the nausea come and go. Sometimes even just lying in bed is tricky. My breath will keep catching. Stop breathing. Gasp.

Mmm.

It's shit like that. Oh boy even lying down is not so great. That makes me consider being under anaesthetic could be a wild ride. I would really not be surprised if I stopped breathing a few times. We shall see.

After more time in bed this afternoon, my thoughts have turned to what happens if the shit hits the fan and I don't make it. I need to make at least some plans. For poor Athena if nothing else.

We had a lovely walk today - in the miserable rain. She loved it. Running in circles again like a puppy. Lovely old lady.

So. I do think I need to write a few things out, at least for my brother, who, will no doubt be the one to pick up all the pieces.

Write some stuff down about Athena, her care, what food she eats - shes super sensitive - what stuff shes horribly allergic to ( lamb.. and by turn liver.. as its inevitably lambs liver or some such ).

And then. Just some ideas about giving people some money. My life dissolved will end up with a fairly tidy sum to give out one way or another. For sake of ease. Just. Let my brother handle it all. But. I guess I should put a few pointers in there.

Funeral. Don't really care too much. But. If people wanted to come along, that would be cool. The more the merrier. I can imagine there are a lot of people that would want to go. Perhaps not. Funerals are funny things. I do know an awful lot of people. And for some idiot reason they like me. So. Eh. Goes hand in hand I guess with being an (ex) "pillar of the community" malarkey.

Throwing a games day would be cool. Use some money to hire facilities. Put on a gaming day. Ha. A lot of faffing around though.

So. As is apparent. It might seem ridiculous. But I am not putting good odds on me seeing the other side of 30th November. Not because of the surgery itself. More because of the anaesthetic and its after effects on my already fucked up stuttering system.

Today I am sad about it. I don't want to suffer. But I am sad about the prospect of going. Doesn't mean I want to stay. Just that I'm sad. Such a waste. As is all death.

I dreamed of Ares again on Friday. Dreamt he came back. Gave him lots of hugs. Right as rain again. How can that possibly be people asked. Don't question it. Just be glad he's back.

Then I woke up. And he wasn't back.

Low points all round really. Mood. Health. Outlook. I've talked a little to a really good friend lately who's struggling with her own issues. Life. Work. Relationships. Is it just me who struggles really badly she said.

No. It's not just you. I listened. Gave her some gentle positive pointers. Be kind to yourself. Rest. And other more pointed stuff. She thanked me. Said I was lovely. Ofc I recoil. Ha. I said. And remembered to say thank you on the end of it. About as good as I get accepting a compliment.

Someone else I know is also going through a really tough time atm too. Checking in on them every few days. Usually at points where I Come up for air out of feeling like shit. I am going to admit it's not easy. I don't have energy to spare really. But. It's ok. I am happy to do it. Just. My. Body is lacking. Mind willing. Body failing.

Eh well.

If nothing else, if I kick it on the 30th. All that will wash away. Grains of sand pouring through an open hand. Gone. Which is.. immensely sad. Hopefully I did some good in the time I had.

But eh. Like I say. Fate probably wants to dick with me more. And I will sail through the 30th.

But maybe not.

Maybe.

Anywho. Back to today. Stick a blank face on. Play some games. Live in the moment.