29th November

 Day before surgery.

Today I am anxious. At times pretty badly so.

Intellectually I am relaxed about tomorrow.

My body seems to disagree. Anxiety has spiked. Body is in full fight or flight mode. Ok. Can we just chill ?

No fuck you. EEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Chill, jesus. No. EEEEEEEEEEEEE.

It's a minor routine..ish op. Probably. EEEEEEEEE.

Sigh.

It's interesting in a way. A really super obvious split between, err, ok, why am I anxious, and a non verbal EEEEEEEEE. On the face of it, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever in a perfectly rational world. Of course. I get it. But it's interesting that I can operate like that, on two different levels. It doesn't mean good things for me being very aware of how shit can impact me emotionally. It means at least at some level the rational bit of me is an utter fucking clueless idiot about that. Autistic.

Hmm. Perhaps I am not as self aware - emotionally - as I like to think I am. It would make sense if it lived in a box. Bullied there by my uber strong logical all problem solving super self. "Super" self. Ah ha ha. Perhaps that is my fundamental dichotomy. Look at all the things I can solve and figure out ! Does that mean I Win ? No. No it does not. WHY AM I SAD. I DID THE THINGS. 

Ha.

Mood is all over the show today. I can feel my emotional thresholds are super low. Twitchy. Tearful. Sad. Disassociating. Good stuff.

So Andy messaged me today. How was I. Am I ok. Am I working today.

No, not working today, need to get my ducks in a row. Ok he says.

An hour later.

If you see this and are around, proceeds to explain an IT problem that we've talked about before, he has flipped a few switches, stumped. I basically need to go in figure it out, sort it. To get an email firing again.

He can't help himself.

This is a repeat pattern of the start of the year where I am dying on my ass. And he is feeing me things to do. Panicking when I am not there for a few days. Stops paying me money. Etc.

Just one of the reasons I need to leave.

The company needs to grow up. Become better. Improve. From an individual Andy point of view, that's not going to happen whilst I am around.

Eh. It's not something I can do with today to be honest.

I had another earache yesterday. Again. Perhaps when the air clears a bit I need to mention this to the GP. See what they say. Not a lot probably.

Eh well.

I had.. a difficult... conversation with my brother yesterday. Gave him details of Athenas care. Said I would put a key out front. If he didnt hear from me... then.. shit needed to be done. I've only done this because he said he would look after Athena. So. Taken him at his word. There is Athena's life line.

So my brother is gonna ping me early evening and then on Wednesday morning. Just in case. I'm not doing it for my sake. I'm doing it for Athena's sake. Hence lead by full details of Athena. I don't want her stuck in a house with a dead me. So. She should be ok. Sorted. I didn't think it would upset me. It upset me. My voice wavered - always the sign that I'm about to lose it entirely. And I had to hardcore get a grip. I am so used to just dealing with it. I think sometimes it's surprising how much pain and darkness is in there. I do my best. But jeez. Meh. I am a fucked up evolutionary dead end. I think all I really am is a curled up little ball of absolute suffering. Just waiting for someone to make it all ok. That's not how adulting works however.

Cheery.

Had a few essentials ordered for the hospital. Which of course have failed to turn up on time. So. Not great. Perhaps they will come today. Eh well. Not the end of the world. Just makes it more shitty.

I got nothing positive to say today. Walls are closing in. Not entirely dark. But pretty dark. It's ok. Been here plenty of times before. Just grit your teeth and scream and wait.

In lieu of my positive note, I will quote something positive from my brother instead.

Be positive he said. This will be the start of you getting better. And next year will be really good and the start of everything improving.

Ok.

I've started wondering of late if people actually tell me bad shit or not. Whether they just give me a happy spin but secretly think fucccckkk. A friend of mine some weeks ago confessed he was really worried about me at the start of the year. Thought I was a goner. He didn't say that at the time. He was positive at the time.

But yeah.

Ha.

Sigh.

Ok. Genuinely. Something positive.

I am looking forward to Christmas. I am gonna stay with my Brother, who ironically wont be there for a few days, but I will get to see my Sister who lives just round the corner. And then see my brother when he gets back. He's very nicely offered to let me stay in his place while he's gone. So. That will be good.

In a perfect world I wish I could see - and spend time with - lots of people. Just skip through borders. Don't worry about pandemics. Or logistics of dog care. Or money. It would. Be good. All round. But eh, life. The world. Yada. I know it's not possible. But just noodling around with Athena in tow would be cool. If I was a bazillionaire. I think I'd do that. And let the money take away all the logistic problems, as rich people tend to meet very few barrier in their lives that can't be removed for a sum of money. It's not a law or a rule or forbidden, it's just poor people can't afford it. A parking ticket is the price of parking there, for rich people.

Anywho. I think my good girl would enjoy that. Sticking her snuffling nose into new places. Meeting new people. She was charming the grocery delivery man this week. Standing on the doorstep happily wagging at him and wanting to say hello. The groceries blocked her. The delivery man was delighted. She does that. Delightful.

Dogs are too good for us.

See, look at that. Imagining happy future times.

*the row of shadowy demons in the back laugh and throw beer cans*

Ha