15th December

 Decidely ill yesterday.

Nausea. Unwell.

Oh well. Same old bullshit then.

I gritted my teeth and took Athena out for a nice walk anyway. The contrast between us is comedic. She's happy and bouncy and ready for an explore. I feel like shit, half thinking about throwing up, green around the gills, definitely not up for it.

But I keep a happy positive vibe for my girl. No need to drag her down or take it out on her. She's lovely.

Work has been... sigh...

Let's just say more of the same shall we ?

Andys apparent lack of focus and concentration is reaching epic levels. Not sure what's up with him. Perhaps he is struggling with work. Hard to say. I've actually blown through frustration, anger, stress, and am now out on the other side feeling sorry for him it's that bad.

Eh well.

Last night I had to wrestle with myself not to quit early.

I really, really, really wanted to.

Why not. I asked myself. It's not like I absolutely need to work through December.

The idea seemed obvious.

I struggled to put that genie back in its bottle. Just. Chill. Be patient. Wait. It doesn't hurt to wait. Don't ruin Christmas for everyone else. Etc.

I woke up this morning a bit more in control of it. Consider it. A personal challenge. The thought of working til Feb is beginning to seem like a reallllllyyyyyy long time.

I suspect this might turn into a slog.

Ares has been floating around again.

I sat on the stairs yesterday head in hands, lost in sadness. Comes and goes. Life is transient. The things we experience are here for a moment then gone. Don't be fooled into thinking everything lasts forever. It's over quicker than you think, never to come back again. New things may come along. But. Never the same. And slowly over time, even that degrades and fades.

My sense of impermanence has always been fairly pronounced. But. Of late. It's even worse. The places I travel to. The house I live in. All of it will be there after I am gone. Was there before I was here. None of it belongs to me. None of it is me. I am the transient. I'm the odd one out. I revolve around the world, not the other way around. And I don't revolve around it for long. Forgettable. Unidentifiable. Just another cog.

Doesn't help with the nihilism.

Even with a good dose of positivity and living in the moment and good things are going to happen. Life seems... very... shit. At best you can distract yourself enough and bounce along happily, but, really, it's just smoke and mirrors. Sticking that smile on despite everything else. It seems like a pretty poor ride at best. At worst. It's a horror. That's not my misery talking. That's just me taking a step back. Grokking the bigger picture is toxic as hell. Soul crushingly terrible. You're better off not being able to think past next weeks lottery draw. I'm serious.

Eh well.

Good ride, bad ride. Still on the ride. See how it plays out.

Don't expect a high star rating at the end of it though.

0 out of 5 stars. A lot of suffering. No purpose. Very high randomness means no control of destiny. Feels pointless. Would not ride again. Player base can be very toxic.

End on a positive.

Struggling. I am looking forward to getting my teeth into game coding again. I am looking forward to mooching about at Christmas. Which is good. For me. I don't look forward to shit usually.

But eh yeah. Tougher today. Grey. I hope some downtime over Christmas will help. I suspect overall quitting the job will help me rest a lot more. I think I'll probably be more productive and also more rested. As contrary as that sounds. We shall see. Perhaps not.

I think I might start wearing a christmas hat. When visiting people and shit. Because. Why not. Grey and humdrum is easy. Rock up and do your usual shit. As Trinity says. You know whats down that road Neo, you know where it leads. The implication being, you've trod that path a thousand times, why not go a different way this time. So. Sometimes you need to wear a christmas hat. Or something else. People do not remember or pass comment on the day that is the same as the other 10,000. They do pass comment on That One Day When X Happened.

I do this at times. Usurp expectations. From doing Steps dance routines in the middle of the office. To getting my head shaved in front of a crowd of a hundred. Sometimes. Do different. Don't take yourself too seriously or believe your own bullshit too much.

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