16 December

 Funny turn. Take two.

Worked my ass off yesterday. By end of day I was buzzing with how tired I was. So at that point I pretty much had a non consensual nap.

Two hours.

Some point in there I am gasping for air. This time I came up to dozing level. Conscious of what's going on. I am struggling to breathe. But it's weird. I am not struggling to get breath in. Not a clogged up set of lungs. Not asthma tying me down. I am breathing just fine. But my body reckons it's not getting oxygen.

Weird sensations. Dizzy. Chest constrictions. A pain radiates, same place as ever, front, low rib cage, over to the left a little. It radiates out and up left side.

Feels bad. Really, really bad.

Eventually I get up.

Two black eyes.

Yikes. I feel like shit for the rest of the evening.

No bueno.

Ho hum.

Perhaps it was just like a really bad panic attack or somesuch. And my New Shitty This Year Stomach acting up. Whilst asleep. Ha ha.

Not sure panic attacks cause black eyes.

It's not good is it. Something is seriously fucky. Ho well. The witch doctors, such as they are, can only scratch their heads.

Eh it's ok. We all have to kick it sometime. This year has been nothing but me sputtering. It's pretty amazing I've made it this far.

But who knows, maybe it doesn't get worse, or even gets better. Who can say. If I were a betting man, I'd bet on the signs being Not Good.

Work yesterday was pointedly frustrating again. The gulf between understanding is.. just... vast. I am having to explain basic things. Repeatedly. Remarkably it's getting worse by the day. And that's the least of it. Which I can't really get into without getting technical and writing a goddamn epic story. Suffice to say. Frustrating all round. Not just for lack of technical knowledge. Or processes. Or discipline. A reminder every day of the huge leaps people are going to have to make when I quit.

I sent a shitty, but very professional, email on Tuesday to Agent K. Detailing how much time they had wasted, that there was no problem, and here in excruciating detail is the proof.

This has apparently spooked them.

They feel suitably idiotic.

Not great of me. This is the problem when you have to enforce your boundaries and correct bad habits. It's like smacking a child. Or at least it feels like that for me. I am not ruthless. 

Yesterday another bit of their system went tits up. Was it the update I had just released ? It must have been the update !?! Panic !

I reacted in a distinctly unpanicked way. And didn't dig too hard. I was already busy. The problem was Google. Rejecting you. Across many systems. This is not the update. To be specific CORS is telling you that you have no Google permissions.

Does this mean our CORS is bad asked Andy ?

Sigh.

No. CORS is not like that.

I explained CORS. It's just an authentication standard. Hi, I am X, can I use your Y ? Hello X, I am Y, no you can't, fuck off. X says to client, oh, they wont let me in. Replace X with Agent K and Y with Google and you have the situation going on.

CORS in a nutshell. You can't have "our" CORS being "bad".

I left them to it after the explanation.

Andy and Agent K fumbled through it.

Oh.

Their credit card expired. Google had shut down their account.

New credit card. All was working again.

Sorry to bother you.

Perhaps they deserve to feel idiotic after all.

To be fair to them, Google were being a shit about it. A technical low level error because the payments had stopped. Not very friendly. But still. It's like the universe is piling on more hilarious examples of how much I'm relied on, how little other knowledge is out there. Big Yikes.

Today. Just as I've finished writing this. Another problem lands. Agent T system is not working ! Stopped doing what it should be doing ! Can you check it ??! Could it be related to Agent K yesterdays problem ???!!!!??!

Open up the server. Zero disk space. Not a programming error. Or weird config. Or google account being down. Just shitty server support. Which we are supposed to do. Every morning.

I said nothing. Just sent a screenshot.

Assumptions. And Johnny will fix it. And someone else not doing their job. I'm shocked. Shocked.

This is the standard pattern of interaction. I'm like the google guru of IT. Doesn't matter if its anything to do with me. Or even just a question about what's for breakfast. Plug it into the google guru IT search box. Results guaranteed.

Andy swore at my screenshot, apologised and said he would get someone on it.

Shit happens. To Err is human.

Habitual though, innit. Talk about giving you ammunition as to why Things Are Shit. Ugh. A headache rolls around my left side. Again. Sigh.

Moving on.

Positives

*Really* struggling. My health is wavering hardcore again. Perhaps we are on that downward part of the cycle again. I had hoped the whole, fix the butt thing, might have altered the cycle.

No.

Hard to be positive.

Weekend is coming. I can rest. And chill. I need it. Badly.

I've arranged to play a game with a friend on Friday evening. Before Xmas hits. Which should be cool. Assuming I am not ill as shit.

I'm pleased with some painting I've completed recently. Very.Very. Slowly. In between feeling like shit. Or even when I am feeling like shit. I seem to have fluked a pretty good look. I'll post some pictures when I encounter my phone again.

Despite me struggling I am still overall positive I think. Still got some lingering positive vibes of wanting to get shit done. But I need rest. Work has been busy busy. Stacked up shit because I had a week off. Same old same old.

I am considering taking some time off between quitting work and starting game dev. Time for a proper rest kinda thing. In a perfect world I'd absolutely do this. In an imperfect world, eh, I don't want to lose too much money loafing about. But that's probably the stupid indoctrination talking. Particularly as just the other day I had to be stopped from just quitting now. In many ways, quitting now would be a very good thing. I could take an extended rest. Eh well. 

Got a covid booster shot due on Sunday. Which is good. GP was again a bit of a mess. When I got my flu shot done, nurse said I should book a covid shot with reception. Ok. Reception then said, can't do that. You need to phone us.

......

Ok.

Comedy skits spring to mind where after saying that, you phone reception, only to watch the same dude that just told you to phone, pick a phone and say hello to you. Can I book a covid shot ?  Why yes sir... etc... Very Monty Python.

Anyway. I phoned them yesterday. Ooh she says. Only for certain ages. Don't think we're doing them. You don't get one.

This by the way, was the same person that called me fat and young for the flu jab.

Well. Your nurse told me to get one done. ( this all sounds remarkably familiar ).

Oh she says. Well things do change here very quickly, just let me check.

She checked.

Yes we can absolutely book you in she says. Did you not get a text ? No. Can I confirm your phone number ? Yeah. That's the number we have. Odd you didn't get a message.

Not really. By the numbers I shouldn't be due a booster until Feb ish. But shit has changed. All hands to the pump. The nurse knew that. I knew that. Apparently reception didn't know that.

I've booked you in for Sunday she says after refusing to give me a time - I had to give her one, because otherwise she would give me one and I would complain she said. So. You first.

I think she has been in the trenches too long.

Somehow we struggled through the endless potholed road of bureaucracy that is the GP. Cock Ups Akimbo.

I reflected last night, I am ok with kicking it. I get to follow Ares. And that's more than ok. The uber rational gremlin kicked in that it was fantasy. Back to the mud. No following. Just oblivion and rotting. Back to component elements. The idea of following is just romantic nonsense.

But is it ? Even if you do say back to the mud. Oblivion. I would still be following Ares. We both came out of nothing. Return to nothing. I didn't note the first 14 billion years of the universe and, I still came to be. Seems ok. Just a way of framing it. Following Ares. That's ok. Time is up. Etc. Being ok with that, and framing it in a nice way is ok.

My gremlin quieted into sulky silence.

Sadness. Deep. Pain filled. Sadness.

Situation Normal then.