18th December

 Saturday.

A couple of interesting... judgements... laid on me in the last couple of days. I'm always somewhat interested and slightly amused when people offer their assessment of me. Typically it's from a position of you only see one tiny facet of who I am. I'm not saying that from a position of oooh, I am so deep and complex you can never hope to know me, *dabs*. I'm saying that from .. more of a social chameleon perspective, and people typically pasting on whatever they think or want me to be, onto me. I *suspect* it's part of the easy going social chameleon thing.

I'll give you a concrete - stupid - example.

Back in the day, tech wise, Microsoft people, that is to say those professionals heavily invested in Microsoft technologies, used to turn around to me and say that I was a Java person. An open source kind of person. An Anti Microsoftee basically. Somewhat tongue in cheek, but, The Enemy.

At the very same time the open source and Java types I knew used to accuse me of the opposite.

It happens that I got to work with all types. And to each type I was their strawman.

The opposite also happens, where people accept me as a true and died One Of Them.

So. Hence the amusement. But I enjoy others insight about just about anything. And insight of me is interesting, because like most, I have at times a very iffy grasp of that.

Waffle waffle.

Two things.

The first.

"You are a ridiculously social person"

I had to smile about that. Secretly. Firstly, I don't think I've ever been judged to be that. Not explicitly. Although likely if I ask a lot of people also think that - especially in Norwich where I have *cough* legendary status ( not my words ). Ha ha ha. Legendary. Jesus.

Ridiculously social. Compare and contrast to a statement last year -

"You're not very social are you. You sit in your room / house all the time."

Heheh.

Interesting. Thank you for your insight.

The second.

"You look nice"

Wait, what ? Oh no. A complement. Shit. Quickly. Look up the response flow chart of a complement. Errr. Complement.xls. Errr. Ah. Here we go.

"Oh, thanks !"

I resisted the urge to scrub myself down and retreat from a hated complement. I'm getting better at "faking" complement responses. My typical natural responses are :

ironic Ha ha ha.

ironic Ha. No.

ironic Ha.

Fuck no.

Oh god.

Meh.

*frown*

Let's be frank here, I tend not to look "nice". Scruffy. Even Hobo on worse days. I am ok with this. Rarely I will think, jesus, you look like a state. But mostly, I am zen with it. This is also largely a factor of my life - I have bigger fish to fry than conforming to socially accepted levels of presentation. On very bad occasions I am busy fighting to stay sane, or alive, not jump off of bridges, beat my head against a wall etc. Do I *care* that I look a mess ? Ah ha ha ha ha. No. It's funny how priorities needle down into shit that really matters when push comes to shove. 

I am a disappointment to my mom. ( she always comments about my beard. still got it. she says. the heavy implication that floats around being, why have you got it. get rid of it. you are scruffy. I do my part and entirely ignore her implicit or explicit statement and quite happily inform her it's easier that way. for her part she knows wayyyyy better than to even start to argue with me. I haven't argued with my mom in... 30 years ).

So eh. Always amuses me. People see glimpses of the iceberg. And give you that label. Missing the greater iceberg that floats past.

There are huge numbers of people in Norwich that know me to be optimistic, happy, enthusiastic, highly social. There are some people that know me to be anti social, quiet, pessimistic, a loner.

Heh.

I've also noticed that this in general is quite a facet of the modern zeitgeist. Where we find ourselves collectively socially. The current groupthink indoctrination level. 

Things are often so polarised these days, that unless you stand up, salute the flag and sing the hymn, you must, of course, immediately be The Enemy. Which can lead you to being The Enemy of opposite groups at the same time. Rather bizarrely. When fanaticism is normalised. Everyone that's not a fanatic is suspect at best. Human nature. We seem to be in part of the cycle where extremism is A OK. Historically, these often end in dark periods. But eh. That too is human nature. Learn from your mistakes. Then slowly forget what your learned. Repeat the mistakes.

Drink. Get drunk. Feel shit. Vow to never drink again. Rinse and repeat.

Except over decades if not centuries. And flirting with things like fascism and war.

No surprises. Very predictable. If you care to stop and look.

But one lesson to take from that. Is that people paint you in a way that suits them and maybe no reflection on you at all. Burning of witches springs to mind. You're a witch ! I'm a ... what... ??! Witch ! Burn her !

Ok then.

So yesterday. Helped Hazel potter around. Ended up being a shit show. Flat wasn't ready. Council had dropped the ball. Again. Hazel was extremely angry about it all. She can be extremely fierce and angry. Which sometimes is useful - she can raise hell to several powers above what I am ok with. But is also a very large problem part of her life. That anger sprawls and eats *everything*. Part of the borderline personality issue.

This time no anger was directed at me. She was just sad, and very upset, and struggling with me. The chinks in the armour. Showing herself without the face. She struggled not to burst into tears at times. I gave her a half hug. And a few pats. I am here. I am listening. It sucks. She apologised to me a few times. She knows the anger monster is bad juju. I told her she didn't need to apologise. Anger here was justified. I think. She struggles to gauge what's appropriate. And after she has cooled down fears that she is lashing out ( at me ). When she is clear she *does* see me as a helpful soul and positive. When the anger monster is stomping around, not so much. Tricky. The twisty corridors of the fucked mind. I am sympathetic. Mental health stuff is a beast.

Anyway. She was struggling. All round. I can see most aspects of her life are in tatters. Or on the edge. It's not good.

See. I am a sucker for that. Help people. Ease their suffering. Suffering sucks. If there is a meaning to life and all that. Then suffering is the opposite. The Anti Meaning. The Enemy. Kill it with fire !

Schopenhauer states that life without pain/suffering has no meaning. The thing you have to know about Schopenhauer however is that he was a dick.

Schopenhauer. Something of a dick.

 

Ha ha. He does. Kind of. Teeth grindingly. Have a point.

On the other hand. There's more than enough misery to go around for everyone. Fuck that. Stomp on all the suffering. When everyone has no suffering at all, then, and only then, perhaps sit back and wonder if it hasn't all gone a bit far. What a nice problem to have.

In the meantime.

Fuck suffering. And Schopenhauer is a dick.

Anywho. We achieved a few things yesterday. I helped her get some ducks in a row. A plan. Her dad will be down on Monday to whisk her away. So. That will help.

Despite the grim circumstances it was nice to see her. And poppy.

In the evening played a game with David. Ended up seein his other half Chloe as well. Who had had a horrid works xmas do. And was in a foul mood. A justifiably foul mood. Her secret santa with a £5 budget had bought her... a single, cardboard, home made bookmark. Everyone else got heaps of chocolate and amazing stuffs. And her evening went from bad to worse after that. I very gently sympathised with her. Sorry she had a shit evening. Yeah that was shit. She looked nice. etc. As is me. Felt like I had failed. Even though it's nothing to do with me. And I don't really know her.

Sensitivity to suffering see. I dislike it. "dislike".

Theme of the day was scary angry women apparently. Fortunately, none of it was aimed directly at me. Still. Like standing next to a car that suddenly backfires, it's not aimed at you, but sometimes it still makes you jump.

Positives

Feeling fairly alright today. I ache a bit from traipsing around with Hazel yesterday afternoon. Which is ridiculous. I didn't do a lot. But eh. I am that out of shape I guess.

Gonna have an easy day today. Hazel did mention about getting the laptop to me today to transfer my work stuff over. I told her to just keep it. I didn't want to fuck her around or leave her without a laptop lifeline. I can.. work around her. For the time being.

I'm not sure I have the energy or motivation to sort out the laptop today. I'd really much rather just... do nothing. Rest. I can feel my inner self squealing for a bit of down time, rest, no obligations.

On the other hand, sorting out the laptop is useful. And more useful, I could perhaps coax Hazel out of the hotel and give her a better day today. At least feed her. She's mostly living on kettle based noodles out of her hotel room. She would also get to see Athena. Which would be good for both of them.

On the other hand. Resssstttttttt. 

But still. All these things are positive. Nice choices to have.

Other positives.

Finding a company name is, unsurprisingly, a massive pain in the arse.

Every conceivable name in the galaxy, has at this point been trademarked, domain reserved, or somesuch.

Sigh.

I can remember this being painful 20 years ago.

Now. It's impossible.

It doesn't help that one of my top likes - something based on Dweomer, was shot down by my friend. Sounds too much like dwarf.

Sigh.

I'm trying to find something that is illusion based. In latin. Greek. Old english ( forget modern english, you have no hope ). Or some shit like that. Magical boxes. Illusions. Sleight of hand. That kind of thing. I am buggered if I can find a decent name that's not already taken and is not "too dwarf like". *mutters*.

Inspired suggestions appreciated.